You are Good

Before you read a word of what I have to say, I would love for you to simply stop. Scroll to the bottom of this page, find this song on my playlist, and listen to every word, soaking it all in.

You Are Good
Point Of Grace

When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes
You are good, so good
In the heat of the day with each stone that I lay
You are good, so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
When the moon rises high before each kiss goodnight
You are good

When the road starts to turn around each bend I've learned
You are good, so good
And when somebody's hand holds me up, helps me stand
You are so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
'Cause it's more than enough just to know I am loved
And you are good

So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul
You are still good
When the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay
You are still good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell you I'm grateful again
And the storm may swell even then it is well
You are good

So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

I have sinned in not recognizing this and being grateful to my King for the simple fact that HE IS GOOD. Not only is He good, He is God. He is in charge. The boss. The director. My superior. It's not up to me. Nothing is up to me. He is holding my life in His hands every second of every day. However, He can not do that without my cooperation. A good friend said to me recently, "We can't expect to inherit God's riches and live in God's grace if we are not walking in obedience." Did I like hearing that? Nope! I sure didn't. Did I need to hear that? You bet I did. My heart had been hardened and was wandering further and further from where the Lord wanted me to be. I made excuse after excuse after excuse for being where I was. Until today. Another friend so bluntly pointed out to me that I needed to quit making excuses and own up to what was my responsibility. Man! God has put some good people in my path!! Thanks guys! I really needed the wake up call and am forever grateful for your frankness with me. I may not always receive this advice with a happy face, but eventually it makes it's way down to the core of my being and brings my heart back to life.

Now, where does the song fit in? I needed to stop my pity party, quit feeling sorry for myself, and recognize the positive and good that God is bringing to my life. When things go wrong, He is still good. When things are confusing, He is still good. When things hurt, He is still good. God is ALWAYS good! He never changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Praise Him for His goodness.....and tell that evil devil to flee from your heart. All he brings is coldness, bitterness, and eventually shame. He does not belong in a heart that has been taken over by the Holy Spirit. The only thing that belongs is good. Pure good.

The Gift You Can Give

Well, we've almost made it through. Another few weeks and the year that has been a living nightmare in my life will be over. I look forward to 2009 ending and the beginning of 2010.....a fresh start, a new beginning, even a new life. Though, I am fully aware that the pains of 2009 will most likely follow me to the new year, I am hoping and praying to be made new. In more ways than one, I need it, my family needs it.

The last several months have had some sufficient ups and downs as I begin to navigate this life as a single working mom. As the permanence of divorce looms on the horizon, I am relieved, yet still saddened by this ending. Regardless, this is how things must be, both Ray and I realize. Did we want this for our lives? Of course not! Did we see this coming? No way! Nobody ever does. It is just one of the many trials that will come our way in this life that we have to endure.

In addition to navigating the roads of life, I have been faced with a personal spiritual battle as well. Without getting into too much detail, I can say that my heart has been grieved by the sinfulness that has crept into my life in large ways. No matter what the excuse may be, "but Julie, you are going through a rough time. God understands."....or "He's a forgiving God. He knows your heart is pure."......sin is sin. There is nothing excusing it, allowing it, or minimizing it in my heart. I know the truth and I need to follow the truth. I have felt so much in the past months like Satan had me balanced on a thin wire that I am barely hanging on to. He has thrown every challenge in the book as if he wants me to jump through hoops while so tediously balanced on this narrow ground. I know in my mind that my loving and faithful God will see me through to the bitter end of this trial. However, right now, my heart is at battle. It is being tested beyond what I ever could have imagined and I only can handle one single day at a time.

So, what do I need? How can you help.....as so many have asked me. The gift you can give me this Christmas is the gift of grace, understanding, compassion, and most importantly prayer. As my heart slowly feels itself coming back to life, I ask that you pray for this continued healing. Pray for my faithfulness to the Holy One. Pray for my diligence in seeking His face. Pray for my example as a mother. Pray for my sin, that it will be cast as far as the East is from the West to be remembered no more. Especially by myself, as we all know the heavy burden that guilt can bring. I thank you in advance for the gift of your friendship, your dedication in reading of my daily struggles and blessings, and the prayers you will offer on my behalf.

On a side note, I would like to apologize for not sending out my annual Christmas letter this year. I am sure you can understand that I was at a loss as to how I would accomplish such a task with the changes in our family. I try to keep those things lighthearted and positive and I struggled to do so. Next year I promise you a letter that brings twice as much joy and celebration for the new life that God is granting me in 2010!

I pray you joy and happiness as you celebrate the birth of our Savior. God bless you all! Here is a song for you to reflect on that touches my heart so much in this time. It is on my playlist for you to listen to as well. Merry Christmas to you all!!

"East To West"

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

Find Your Wings

Well, the first holiday as a split family has come and gone and I'm happy to say we survived. Not unscathed.....but we survived nonetheless. We had originally planned to try and put our differences aside for the holidays so that we could spend them together for the sake of the children. Many people encouraged me, saying what a great idea this was and how nice we could have the maturity to handle the challenge. On Wednesday, however, I had one friend advise against it for a variety of reasons and I didn't quite understand why. I think I understand now....lol. Ray and I may be mature enough to handle our differences, but we failed to recognize that there is still so much passionate tension behind those areas of conflict. So, needless to say, dinner was a bit tense and the evening gave way to a very heated argument. This sent me reflecting upon my life and the place I am now standing. I don't think anyone ever imagines something like this will happen to them. It's easy to stand together at that altar and vow to be there for each other "for better or for worse". Putting it into practice is a whole new ball game and a challenging one at that. When you make those promises to have and to hold and are blinded by the love you are feeling at the time, you can say with confidence, "We'll never have to worry about dealing with divorce. We will be together forever." Then the storm comes. The winds blow. The rain beats down on you. Things change....permanently. The life you once knew is now gone. Shattered into pieces of a broken heart, broken home, broken promises, and broken dreams. It's accompanied by overwhelming emotional ups and downs, as I'm sure you can imagine. The relief of finally coming to the end of the fighting, the hurting, and the heart ache. While you grieve the loss of the "dream family" that you once saw as a reality....if only for a short moment in time.

As I thought these things over yesterday, watching the kids play, I fought back the tears. I wanted so much more for them. I wanted them to have the "good life". I wanted them to have a better childhood than I did. I wanted my children to be happy. How can that happen now, Lord? How will they get through this and persevere? How will they ever overcome the challenging emotions they will have to deal with as a result of their parents' divorce? The answer that came to me was simple. I'm not in control, HE IS IN CONTROL. The "perfect world" I wanted to create for my children simply does not exist. The "semi-charmed" kind of life I used to joke of having, was only a glimpse of how wonderful things can be when we let God take over our lives. That is how my children will be happy. That is how they will get through and persevere. That is how they will overcome. That is how they will grow to be strong children of God that I hope they will be. All that is asked of me now, is the same that was asked of me when I decided to bring them into this life. Pray for them. Pray not just for the moments in their lives or the things He will provide for them. Pray for their hearts. The most important thing we can do as parents is to pray. Pray for their salvation. It is a choice, after all. We each have that moment in our lives when we come to a crossroads and have to decide which way to go in our faith. I can raise my children in the Lord, wish for them to have a joined two parent household with the "picture perfect" family. Yet that would never be enough. The best and only thing I need to do is pray that they will continue to walk in the faith and follow Him.

I put together a brief slideshow of some of my favorite pictures of the kids. A few of them are older because I cherish them so much, but most are current. Make sure you have the volume up on your computer as there is also a song. I like to notice the sparkle in their eyes in these photos and realize that they are resilient and strong. God will get them through this trial just as He is helping Ray and myself through this trial. They will find their roots, not in a "typical" family, but in the family of Christ. Those roots are just what they need to find their wings and soar.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Love them like Jesus

Summer of 2009....who knew the changes it would bring for our family? This is a challenging post for me to write, thus why I have avoided my blog entirely for quite awhile now. I hardly even know where to begin. So I guess I will just write and hope that the words come from the Holy Spirit that resides in my heart and soul.

The summer ended and with it we carried over many pains from the summer months. Though most of you are probably not aware, Ray and I have been experiencing some significant challenges in our marriage that have led to our separation. How long have we had these problems? What happened to the happy couple everyone saw from the outside? When did things change so significantly? All good questions, that many of you have asked us, however, even Ray and I struggle to answer them specifically. Here is what I can tell you.

You all are aware that I struggle with severe depression that has been with me for most of my life. My medications were changed and adjusted, and are now finally back to being balanced and doing their job. "Normal" Julie has returned and I am feeling a lot better in that area. This summer was also a mental health challenge for Ray. He was diagnosed as having bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified). Basically the NOS part means his mood changes and cycling don't fit a pattern enough to be identified with the typical bipolar mood cycles. I think it's a nice fancy psychiatric term for "we don't know". A little humor always helps in these times. Forgive me for the occasional sarcasm!

What does this have to do with our separation? Well, both of these mental health issues combined created the very problems that challenged the strength of our marriage. Essentially, the manic episodes Ray suffered, brought on arguments that pushed me further into depression. To compound the issue, my depression and existing trust issues, caused me to build up walls around myself and between Ray and I. Thus, I was able to forgive him, he could forgive me, for whatever arguments we may have had, but the wall remained in my heart, making it virtually impossible for us to reconnect and mend any damage. I know that this issue is one that I have to explore more in therapy and I am intending to do so. I need to understand more fully why I build walls, how to get those walls down, and how to prevent them from being a permanent fixture in certain relationships. Walls such as these keep me from letting Ray in, letting myself trust him, and essentially loving him in the way that I need to as his spouse. I simply put myself in a cocoon, surrounding my heart with a thick barrier of protection that doesn't allow anything that I conclude as potentially "harmful" or "toxic" to penetrate. This, my friends, is more of a challenge than it sounds to be and will most likely be a lifelong issue that I will face and learn how to deal with. Unfairly, even though Ray has been working on seeking the essential treatment for his bipolar, my heart is unable to let him back in and give him the chance that he deserves to make things right. As we discussed this "toxic" situation we are in, we were able to conclude that these issues simply will not be resolved overnight. We will both always have these mental health struggles and need to ensure that we are both in the healthiest environment possible in order for us to heal, learn how to deal, and be the best parents we can be regardless of whatever circumstances we are in. It is very truthfully not healthy for the children, or Ray and I, to live daily with the conflict that our issues created. Children need a nurturing, positive atmosphere to grow up in, and sometimes that can only be achieved while parents are living in separate households. We are both fully aware that this is not the way "God plans" for things to go. This may not be His design for our relationship or what He intended for us from the start, but it is the only way we know to go right now. However, we stand confident knowing that He is able to use any circumstance for His glory and we can learn so much if we keep our focus on Him throughout the whole ordeal.

Where do we go from here? Not quite sure the answer to that question any more than I am sure where my life, or anyone's life, will be a year from now. I can say that for the first time in a long long time, I feel a sense of peace in my heart over the decision for Ray and I to separate. Removing ourselves from the tension and toxicity that plagued us for so long, is allowing us to focus on ourselves and on the kids, rather than perpetuating the vicious cycle of conflict that had overwhelmed us up until this day.

What can you do for us? You can pray. You can listen. You can be there. As the song on my playlist says, you simply need to "Love us like Jesus". Carry us to Him. Help us see His plan for our lives. Help us know where to go from here. Try not to judge. Try not to solve our problems. Simply love. That is what I believe Jesus would do for us if He were physically here today. Thank you to so many of you that have already shown us that love and have been there to be a listening ear or encouraging voice. We appreciate that support more than you know and it makes such a difference to us, even if we don't always show it. If you haven't heard the song, I encourage you to take a listen. The words are so powerful to me in that they remind me when someone is facing a life challenge such as this, sometimes saying "all I can do is pray", is the absolute best and ONLY thing to say.

True Peace

I welcome the start of Autumn with a new sense of hope. The summer of 2009 was far from my favorite....many of you have heard me say, "I'm ready for 2010. I don't like 2009!" It has been a challenge, that's for sure. However, I won't write off the whole year as a loss because it has brought us much growth and learning along with all the painful changes we have been through.

With challenges and every test of my faith, I found myself often pulling away from the God I usually cling to with all my might. Satan whispered lies in my ear all along the way. "You're not going to find a job. Nobody wants to hire you when you've been home for so long." "You're not going to get through this depression. It's a sign that the medication isn't going to work for you anymore. You're stuck feeling miserable." "God doesn't love you. He isn't going to provide for you. Why bother praying?" As the lies and deceit filled my heart and mind, I began to drift further away from the "Lifeguard Stand" as my pastor put it so clearly in a sermon. He explained that when they take their kids to the beach, they tell them to stay as close to the lifeguard stand as possible. When they are in the water, if they ever get to a point where they find they are drifting too far from the lifeguard, they need to get out of the water, walk up the beach, and get back in the water directly in front of his stand.

My summer was so full of strong currents and tides going in and out that attempted to pull me further and further away from the lifeguard stand. Satan used one battle after another to weaken me so that I couldn't fight the pull of his grip as well. Time and time again I would find myself drifting away from the place of safety. Every time I would see this, I had to physically remove myself from the flow of life, place myself at the foot of His throne, and refocus my gaze on Him before I dove back in. As you can imagine, this got exhausting after awhile. For that reason, when the largest blow of the summer hit, Ray's diagnosis of bipolar 2 disorder, Satan completely pulled me under water. As I flailed around, feeling as if I was drowning in this new challenge that seemed larger than life, I searched for the hand of someone to pull me to shore. Family and friends can certainly help support me, but they don't have the tools that my lifeguard does. Before I knew it, a life preserver was tossed my way. Why wasn't He getting into the water and carrying me out? Why wasn't He rescuing us from our troubles by taking them away? Why was I still in the water? Why was I now facing one of the biggest challenges I could imagine....a toxic disorder that is poisoning the mind of the man I love and causing so many obstacles in our marriage? I was still struggling because I refused to accept the help He had offered. The life preserver was right in front of me all along, but I had to grab on and hold on. I had to willingly participate in this rescue. Stop flailing, stop doubting, stop questioning, and just trust HIM!! Why it took me so long to do so, I never can understand! I think I'm a bit stubborn. What do you think?

Today, this first day of September, is a gorgeous day. It's my mom's 60th birthday, the welcoming of the new school year, the ending of the difficult summer, and the start of new possibilities. I am choosing today to have faith, to have hope, and live in the peace that only His loving hand can bring. I have attached the lyrics to my song for the day, #34 on my playlist. It's one of those songs that I can turn on and no matter how overwhelmed I feel, my soul is instantly at peace. True peace that passes all understanding. I hope it brings you peace today as well.

How Deep The Father's Love For Us
Stuart Townend

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Rescue

I've been feeling a little like a ping pong ball lately! I made the decision months ago that I needed to start looking for a full time job and get back into the teaching field. Though this was a difficult choice to make, I felt so guided by the Lord's hand and was so certain this was the direction He wanted me to go. That decision was followed by months of sending out my resume to various job postings in hopes of finding where my career was going to land next. I'm sure you can imagine my frustration when months passed without a single phone call back in regards to my applications. What's going on here? I was told my degree in Elementary and Special Education was HIGHLY marketable...that people would be lining up and fighting to have me teach in their schools. After months of frustration, confusion, and feeling defeated, I started to waiver on my decision. Maybe this was God's way of leading me a different way. Maybe He is trying to reveal to me that I need to continue with my tutoring business, pursue other ways to find new clients. I started calling my client list, trying to get an idea of who was interested. With a list of 12 people "possibly" interested in continuing into the fall, I started to think this was the answer. I guess I needed to change my focus, try and get motivated to persevere with tutoring, and step back on the focus of finding a new job. I started to place my trust in this potential, believing it was the clear answer. One week changed it all. Appointments came up, the typical challenges of running my own business reared their ugly head once again, potential clients started to look a little shaky, and my hope started to fade. What was going on? Why did I feel so strongly that I was following the "voice of truth", yet the road still seemed so foggy?

I took some time on Wednesday to simply breathe. When I get in these states of frustration and confusion, I am not always the most patient or gentle mommy to my children or wife to my husband. I needed to clear my head. Get a grip and snap out of it, as a friend so bluntly pointed out!! I sat in my car and listened to my music, trying to focus on the words to the songs that so often lift me out of these pits. The song that spoke the loudest to me was "Rescue" by Jared Anderson. Here are the lyrics for you and it is on my playlist as well.

You are the source of life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus to come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me

I will follow You

In that moment, my eyes were opened so wide as to why I had not found the answer yet, why I have not found a job yet. My eyes were not in the right place! My heart always desired to follow Him, to know His will. However, my actions did not show this. I had prayed about this so much that I somehow failed to continue praying over it. Do you ever do that? Pray for an answer and then when that answer seems to come, set it aside and forget to continue lifting it up to the Master Designer? I stopped asking for His guidance, stopped praying for clear direction. Therefore, when the waiting got tough, I tried to seek out the answer on my own. I tried to look in this world for an answer and comfort that I was never going to find. I wanted to KNOW the end result, didn't want to wait anymore. Well, that's just too bad, Julie!! He is the source of life, as the song reminds us. This world has nothing for us that doesn't come from His hand. In my hour of confusion and distress, I needed to go to Him. I needed to pray for, and ASK for, Him to rescue me. Not just from my financial stress or my lack of job....but from my own pride. My prideful thinking that "anyone would love to have me work for them". That is not the attitude He desires me to have. Confidence is good, pride is not. I can have the confidence in Him that He will provide the job, without allowing my pride to control my decisions and cause me to lose focus.

So, where am I now? Back to the original place He led me, of course. Searching for jobs! However, this time, as I send out each application, I pray over it, pray for my attitude, and pray for the eyes of my heart to be enlightened to His words. I don't want to just take the first job that comes to me because I am desperate. I want to take the job He sends me! He has the tapestry of my life already woven and it makes a beautiful picture. We just can't see the view He has from above. All we see are the knots and strings that get tangled underneath. To us it may look like a big mess, heading nowhere. Just remember, to Him, it is a masterpiece. We are His masterpiece. He is pleased with us. Trust in the Master Designer to rescue you from whatever knot you are caught in. His hands know how to work their magic and get you out of whatever mess you may be in. This world can't offer us anything close to the promises He brings. I'm captured by your grace, Lord. I will follow You.

Enough

I've spent some time adding to my playlist as there are so many songs that have carried me through the past few months that I wanted to share. As you all know by now, music is a very big therapeutic tool for me. It forces me to stop thinking and listening to the negative thoughts that fill my head at times. After all, how could I possibly ignore the amazingly accurate lyrics of a song that fit exactly how I am feeling and what I am going through?!! It reminds me that I am not alone in my struggles, that there is always a light on the other side, and that the true hope and joy comes from my Savior. When I find myself alone at home or traveling in the car to my appointments, I fill the silence with music. Choosing to praise Him in my storm, lifting my voice to glorify Him, and honoring Him no matter how I am feeling at the time.

This past Sunday we had an excellent sermon about contentment. The biggest point I took away from it was this,

"The secret to true happiness is not whether we can be content with our circumstances.
It is whether or not we can be content with Jesus."

No matter what life brings us, we need to put aside our disappointments and realize that Jesus is ALL we need. Even when our lives are full of wonderful gifts and all the things we have dreamed of and worked for, those things will never fill us like He will. We can not base our happiness on the circumstances we are in....we need to base it on HIM!!! That is the secret to being content with life. I'm sure, like me, you have found yourself struggling to be content in your circumstances, sometimes even when you are right where you thought you wanted to be. I've learned through these moments that the reason for that lack of contentment is where I center my focus. If I focus on my circumstances, as they change daily, I will find my contentment wavering. If I focus on Him, on His glorious riches and His plentiful love, I will always be content.

My song for today is "Enough" by Jeremy Camp, #37 on my playlist. The chorus helps remind us that He is not just enough, He is MORE than enough!! We never need to want or need for anything when we put our lives in His hands. He fills every thirst and every need with His love. Drink from His fountain of living water....it never runs dry!

The Butterfly

I warn you in advance, this is a long posting!! I'm sure those of you who follow have found me to be quite wordy in general as I feel details are so important and don't want to leave anything out. This posting in particular is quite lengthy because there was so much that God helped me to work through that I wanted to make sure to give Him the glory for every bit of the journey He has brought me through.

Several weeks ago I shared with you about the cocoon that I had placed myself in as I worked my way through a recent episode of depression. The cocoon is not a means of shutting out the world in order to isolate myself, it is merely a protective shell of sorts that allows me to work through what I need to in the healthiest way possible. In order to allow that cocoon environment to do it's job, I decided to take it on the road and give myself a little "me" time. Something I haven't done since getting married 5 years ago! Long overdue trip, that's for sure!! Thanks to a gracious husband who willingly took over with the kids for the weekend, and a sister and brother-in-law who watched them while Ray was working, I was able to focus on just myself. Before I left, I talked with Ray about the need to rediscover myself, apart from being a wife and mom. Don't get me wrong, for most of my life I have dreamed of being exactly where I am today and feel beyond blessed to have just the family I desired. However, I think it is safe to say that in the hustle and bustle of daily life, it is very common for moms especially to lose a bit of that concept of "me". So, I packed my two small bags and hopped in the car to go find "Julie" once again and allow God to complete the work needed before emerging from my cocoon. In order to help you understand the process I underwent, I did a little research on butterflies and found the parallel to be amazing!

"Usually an insect will enter into a Cocoon so that they will be protected from a harsh or unfriendly environment."

Even though the environment I am in is full of people who love and care about me, when my depression hits, Satan does everything in his power to convince me otherwise. He is a master at taking the blessings that the Lord has provided me with and trying to turn them into painful things. He tries to convince me I am unloved, I am insignificant, and I am unimportant.
Praise God that I am able to enter into the cocoon of His loving embrace and protect myself
from the lies that Satan attempts to fill my head with. I also wanted to protect those around me from the effect that this depression was having on them. When my mind is full of lies and deception, it is much harder for me to be in the Word, even though that is when I need it most.
It is much harder for me to find comfort, even in prayer, which I need so desperately. It is much harder for me to resist temptation and sin, which I need so much to flee. Unfortunately, this bout of depression took me to a place I have never been before. I found myself making poor choices and mistakes that I never thought I was capable of. I had to stop myself, make a choice to not allow Satan to overcome me anymore, and pull into my safe place of refuge. If I continued on that downward spiral, I was only going to hurt myself and my family even more than I already had. So, when I say I had to protect myself from a harsh and unfriendly environment, it is most certainly not my loved ones. It is the influence of Satan in my heart when he finds a point of weakness and grabs ahold of me. The cocoon is the one place he can not get a grasp of me because it is where my ears and heart are focused on that voice of truth. The voice of my Savior. He is the only One I let in!!

"You never know what type of insect will come out of these cocoons. That is because there are so many different insects that use cocoons."

I didn't know what I was going to find when I went to Syracuse. I didn't know why I was going. I just knew I needed to go. While drawn into my cocoon I pleaded with the Lord to reveal to me what I needed to do before emerging. Taking a few days to explore my heart was the one thing He made very clear to me. I had wandered down a lonely path, taken a detour that was not on His agenda for me. As a result I was finding myself in sin, being disobedient to Him, and pushing away from what I knew to be right and good. In order to get back on track, He needed me to pull back from all distractions. He needed me to go to a "safe place". Syracuse is where my roots are. It is a place I know like the back of my hand. It is a place where around every corner I can find friends who have known me for much of my life. It is a place where I can rest knowing that I will be lifted up, encouraged, and surrounded by people who know the very heart of me. However, this trip was different for me. This time I was going up there feeling almost as if I was turning into a different person. I didn't know the "insect inside the cocoon", so to speak. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I had changed, time had changed me, life had changed. In many ways these were good changes, yet change is still difficult and often painful. Change allows for growth, for pruning away the dead branches, and for making us new. In this stage of change, I was confused, overwhelmed, and even a little lost as to what was happening to me and what I was going to look like when I emerged from my cocoon. Let me tell you, that is a scary place to be! I'm sure you've been there too!

"If you peel away the transparent shell, the butterfly's wings will never expand; everything has to happen exactly on schedule, or it won't happen at all."

Exactly on schedule! God has awesome timing for everything in life! He worked together all the details of this trip for me like clockwork. Every bit and piece was there for a reason and served a beautiful purpose in helping me to grow to perfection before emerging from my cocoon. The first piece that fell into place was the medication adjustment. I have found in dealing with my depression that before I can even begin to "deal" with anything, I MUST have my medication balanced. If my mood is not stable, it is near impossible for me to work through the tough things that are in my path. Praise God that the day I left for my trip I had an appointment to see my doctor. He had just put me on a new medication and increased the dosage to be exactly what my body needed. Before I even completed my drive to Syracuse, I could already tell the medicine was taking effect and doing it's job. What a sigh of relief that was! One task done!! The next thing to fall into place was a comfortable "home" of sorts for my few days there. Staying at home is not an option for me, for a variety of reasons, and I had actually made the difficult choice to not visit with my dad on this trip. I knew I was in an unstable emotional place already and was not able to deal with any more emotions that would come up in being around him. It is not to mean that I don't love my father or desire to be around him. It is simply one of the things that I could not allow to invade my cocoon....I have learned how to protect myself. I have been friends with Connie since we were young, 20 years to be exact, and she lovingly opened up her home to me once again. This gave me such a peaceful and relaxed feeling as it allowed me to come and go as needed as well as spend time with the friend I have grown to love like a sister. The laughs we share are always much needed and very refreshing! The final detail to fall into place was the company of friends I was able to spend time with. Each and every person who I spent time with, expressed concern and love for me, allowing me to open up and explore the details of this phase more deeply. Each friend was a safe person who I felt I could be "transparent" with and show my true self, allowing God to use them as His shepherds, guiding me in the way I needed to go. For the first time in a long time, I felt like "me" again. I could feel myself growing stronger, removing the dead and useless things that had entered into my heart over time. My fire had been re-lit, my faith had been renewed, and I was being made whole again through the power of His love for me!

"It has oftentimes been said that the most beautiful butterflies have actually emerged from the ugliest Cocoons."

It is very true that this cocoon in particular was an ugly one. This bout of depression was the deepest I had been in since being diagnosed over 10 years ago. The feelings and strong emotions I experienced this time around were so much more painful than I ever remembered them to be. However, I knew from experience that the more painful the challenge I am in, the more beautiful the outcome is once God is finished with me. This time was no exception! Driving home, I had 5 hours in which to think over everything I had been through and make that slow and cautious move from inside my cocoon to the branch, ready to spread my wings. I came to several big conclusions that I believe will change the way I live from this point forward. The first was that in the past I had never been able to accept myself for who I was. Since I was unable to view myself through the Lord's eyes, it was so hard for me to accept love from others and truly believe that I deserved it. I needed to come to a place of accepting me. I needed to embrace who I was in God's eyes, see myself as others see me, and love myself enough to believe I am valuable. For the first time in my life, after this trip, I truly believe that! I can finally look at myself inside and out and believe that I am the beautiful creature that God created. The second conclusion I came to is that I need to able to accept the gifts God has given me, cherish them, and honor Him in the way I care for them. Mainly my husband, my children and my family. If I can embrace these loved ones as the gifts they are to me, they will begin to feel like the beautiful creatures that God has shown me I am. I want nothing more for Ray and the kids than for them to see themselves through God's eyes and my own, as the perfect and pure gifts He has given me. Though we will all face ups and downs together, we will care for each other and grow together as God desires for us to do. Nothing makes me happier than that simple thought. Amazingly, the best thing I found was that I had not disappeared at all. I had felt like I had lost "Julie" in the midst of all this struggle. When really, I was there all along, just buried beneath the rubble of the mess I had gotten myself into.

The two songs I want to leave you with today are the final ones I added to my playlist. "She's a Butterfly" by Martina McBride is a great illustration of where I feel I am right now. It empowers me to be able to believe that I am this beautiful and strong creature that is being made new every day in His love. The other song is "I Will be Here" by Stephen Curtis Chapman. Even if you have heard it before, you should listen to this version I found....it is very pretty. I chose this because I listened to it tearfully on my way to Syracuse as I thought of the wonderful husband that God has blessed me with to walk through this life with me, no matter what. We have faced some difficult times in the past few months but he has shown me time and again that he will always be there and I hope I am doing the same for him. I love you very much, my sweet husband. I thank you for caring for me even in my ugliest of times!! Thanks for bearing with me through this long posting, friends. I wouldn't be the person that I am without the people in my life to cheer me on, encourage me, and build me up!

(Quotes taken from cocoon.org and clayruth.com)

You Alone

For much of my life, I have spent my days trying to find love, joy, fulfillment, and purpose. No matter where I find these things, I always come back to the same conclusion. The only TRUE source of pure love, pure joy, pure fulfillment, and pure purpose, is my Lord and Savior. Any other attempts to fill these things with worldly means will only lead to disappointment and heartbreak. Don't get me wrong....God uses the joys and blessings of my life to provide me with these things in this world. However, it has to always come from HIM and be for HIM. As I take the weekend to find some much needed rest and relaxation for my soul, I want you to know that my heart is not focused on my depression. It is not focused on my trials. It is not focused on my pain. It is focused on Him and Him alone. In doing this, I know without a doubt that I can return to my life of wife and mother and be full to overflowing once again with the joy that only HE can bring. He is the source of my strength and all that keeps me going. I just need to take a walk, go to the well of His living water, and fill my empty pail. Then, and only then, can I truly be made free of all that plagues me and brings me down. Satan will not win the battle for my soul, my joy, and my hope. I have overcome before and I will overcome again. My song for the day is "You Alone" by Kim Hill. It is #5 on my playlist at the bottom of the page so make sure you listen to it. It is a very clear reminder that no matter what life brings we need to cling to the promise that He alone can bring.

I lift my eyes when I am troubled
I lift my hands, I lift my heart
And there I stand knowing nothing can defeat me
Just as long as I know where You are

In You alone
Is where I find my comfort
In You alone
You're my only hope
In You alone
My heart has found a resting place
In You alone
In You alone

So I won't fear though darkness hides me
No, I won't let my courage sway
For You are near and at the brightness of Your glory
The shadows of the night melt away

In You alone
Is promise I can cling to
In You alone
You're my security
In You alone
My soul has found a dwelling place
Only in You alone

What could separate me from Your love?
Neither life nor death, nor anything at all
Anything at all

Nothing will separate us from His love, friends. No matter what the world brings us, no matter what the pain may be...the only thing that matters is that we are in His love. I don't know about you, but that makes me more positive than anything that my soul needs to dwell with Him. He is the security that I need, the promise that brings me peace, and the hope that gives me rest.

Inside of my cocoon

I am going to try for once to keep this simple. Surprising, I know. It's necessary right now as I am doing what one of my blogging friends calls, "Cocooning". Thanks for sharing that great visual, Amy! It really helps to summarize these times of quietness in our lives. Just as we are all different, each person's cocoon serves a unique purpose.

On the outside, it may appear that I am closed off, hiding, running away, shutting people out, and giving up on life. That, my friends, is far from where I am.

My cocoon is a barrier. It is a protection that I have designed for myself to attempt to keep out any more potentially painful things that may drive me further into my depression.

My cocoon is dark and quiet...not a darkness to be shared with the enemy. A darkness that allows my eyes to only see the small pinpoint of light at the exit. The light that tells me how to find the way out. The quiet helps me focus on the Voice of Truth coming from my savior, and block out the voice of the enemy.

My cocoon leaves me in a state of ALONE. Why? Because it helps me focus on HIM ALONE. Keeps me from wandering around looking for the answers in the world around me. I sometimes need to be alone in that way, so that I am forced to look only at His face.

My cocoon is my growing place. It is where God takes me when He has broken me down and is preparing my heart to be grown in ways I have never experienced. Being broken leaves us vulnerable, fragile, and often in pain. The cocoon is God's way of giving us time to heal and grow in the ways that will make us the strongest.

Most importantly, I want you all to understand that when the time comes for me to emerge from my cocoon, I need to do it on my own. I shared a story on my friend's blog when she talked about this "cocooning" that she does as well. This story was of a moth cocoon that a man stumbled upon. He took the cocoon home and waited for the day that the beautiful creature would emerge. The day finally came and he watched as the tiny moth pushed against the threads that wound the cocoon so tightly. As the moth worked and worked he eventually created a large enough opening to push himself through. However, the man grew concerned when it seemed that these two remaining threads were making it very difficult for the moth to emerge completely. So he grabbed some scissors, snipped those last two threads, and set the moth free. To his dismay, over the next few days, he watched as the moth dragged his wet, limp wings around behind him. For some reason he was unable to spread his beautiful wings and fly as the man had wished he would see him do. What he learned later was this; the final two threads on that cocoon, were designed to push the fluid from the body of the moth into the wings, giving them life and allowing them to soar. The "merciful" snip of the threads had in fact led to the demise of the moth and kept him from ever fully developing as he was intended to.

I tell you all of that to remind you that even though it may be hard to watch me struggle with this depression at times, please keep in mind that God is still at work in me. I'm not saying don't step in if you feel the need is too great. I am simply trying to help you find comfort in knowing that I have placed myself in a cocoon that is safely in the Father's hands. The cocoon may appear to be harsh, deserting, or isolating at times, but it is exactly as it should be. The safe haven God has taught me how to build so I can protect myself and get through these times of trial for me.

Thank you in advance for your concern and prayers. I appreciate your love and encouragement and know that you will be there to provide just that when the time comes soon for me to emerge once again from my cocoon. Just please don't try and spare me the struggle of those last few threads! God has placed them there for my benefit and they will help me grow....even if it is painful for you to watch me push through it.

Moving on

I apologize that it has been awhile since I've posted....I traveled out of town last weekend and it has taken me quite a while to get back into the swing of things!! Life is so different with two kids! Especially when Ray didn't travel with me but the kids did! Thankfully my mom was able to go with me and watched them for me one evening so I could go out with some friends.

My trip to Syracuse this weekend brought back a variety of emotions that I haven't felt in a long time. Most likely due to my recent challenge with depression and still trying to get my medication balanced. Talk to those hormones of mine....they seem to have thrown me for a loop and thrown things off balance since I stopped nursing Simon. Fortunately, I have an appointment with my doctor again on Monday, so no worries. That will be taken care of very soon!

In spending some time thinking this weekend, it occurred to me that this summer marks the 10th year that I have been living in Baltimore. It amazed me how much things have changed in those 10 years. However, it also got me thinking back to the day I left Syracuse and headed down to Baltimore to be on my own. So much was going through my mind on that 6 hour drive.....excitement, anxiousness, fears, uncertainty....I couldn't predict what was ahead for me. The one thing I could do, was look at what was behind and try to learn from it to the best of my ability. At the time, Rascal Flatts had just come out with one of their first albums and I was listening to it on my tape player in what was now my very own car...the first I had ever purchased. Yes....I did say a tape player. Those were still a possible feature in a car 10 years ago. The song that came on just after I filled my tank with gas and hopped on the road, blew me away with how much it described exactly where I was, that day, that moment, that second in time. I'm sure you have heard it before, but here are the lyrics so I can help you understand a little more about why it was so strong for me....a little bit about where I came from. It's also on my playlist at the bottom of this page..please take a listen.

Moving On
Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

We all have those ghosts and demons. The things that have been part of shaping who we are but have also caused us some significant pain and challenge in life. Part of me felt like leaving Syracuse was just my way of running from my problems, trying to get away from the memories that haunted me and made me so depressed. What I realized in that moment was that I was doing just the opposite. I wasn't running away from something, I was running FOR something. I had spent years praying over the heartache and pains that plagued me, due to various childhood challenges. I lived in this place all of my life, went to college there, knew the faces surrounding me so well. But did those faces truly know the real me? Did I ever really give myself a chance to be the Julie that I really wanted to be? Or was I simply living life day to day, trying to please these people and fit in the mold they had carved for me. Was I making my own mold, or being what I thought others believed I should be? Don't get me wrong, I have so much love for the people who grew with me through the years and will always in a way be my family. However, I know that I also placed an expectation on myself to be who they "thought" I was....or at least who I thought they expected me to be. If I was going to change, turn my life around, be the person God had designed me to be, I needed to move. Move out, move on, move forward. It was one of the scariest things I have ever done, but one of the best choices I have ever made. Packing my bags, getting a job, living alone, being months in "the desert" without any friends, relying on God for my all! I will never forget one day after work, falling on my knees, wanting so badly to cry out to Him, "Lord remove me from this place. Take me back home." However, the words that came from my mouth must have been the provision of the Holy Spirit as all I could say was, "Lord do not remove this thorn from my flesh, for it is there for a reason!" I guess in my heart of hearts I knew, the only way to learn to be at peace with me, accept myself, and learn to see myself through God's eyes, was to stay in this place He had sent me. By the way, that forgiveness he talks about in the song......I found it. Forgiveness for those who have hurt me, forgiveness for myself, and accepting the forgiveness the Savior had been offering me for years for all the bad choices I had made and would still make in the future. I had to lose it all....to gain it all.

That, my friends, is what it means to pick up your cross and follow Him. Let it all go, whatever holds you back from seeking His face and following His will for your life. He doesn't ask you to give up all you love, just to let go of what is holding you back. As scary as it may seem, I promise you that someday you will be able to look back....maybe 10 years later as I am doing, and say "Thank you", to the One who brings your feet to higher ground.

"One thing I do....forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13

Never Forgotten

Seven years ago on this very day, one of my dearest friends left us as a result of a tragic accident and joined our heavenly Father in paradise. I am amazed that so much time has passed and I can still remember the details of Andrea's final days so well. I wanted to take the opportunity today to honor her memory and remind her loved ones that she will forever hold a special place in my heart. I have added two songs on my playlist that remind me of Andrea every time I hear them. The first is called "Holes in the Floor of Heaven." This song played on the radio in my car the day I returned to work after saying my final goodbye to my dear friend at the hospital. I cried tears of joy knowing she would finally be at peace after her 10 day battle for life, but tears of sadness knowing there would be so much she would miss out on, dying at the tender age of 24. Every time I hear that song, I am now comforted knowing that she is far from missing out on anything as she is in the awesome presence of our Almighty Father.

Though I know Andrea is right where she needs to be, and that we will join her one day, I still have moments when I wish she were here to experience something with me. For that reason, the second song that brings her to my mind is "Who you'd be today" by Kenny Chesney. Though some may see it as a sad song, talking about the things that Andrea does not get to experience, I have found a different take on it to be more comforting. I like to listen to each stage of the song and imagine the things that Andrea would be doing if she were still here. It's almost as if she still gets to live those moments in my heart as I imagine her the way she was. Here are a few of those moments that I have enjoyed over the past few years. I wrote it as somewhat of a letter to Andrea....

When I went on my first date with Ray,
returning home all aglow with that
"I met the man I'm gonna marry" giddy feeling,
I smiled when I thought of you.
I imagined we would talk the evening away,
almost like bringing to life the pages of the romance novels
you so often buried your nose in. I laughed as I thought of how we would
have planned the details of my wedding before a ring was even
slipped on my finger. You would have loved him, I thought.
You would have loved him.
That's who you'd be that day!

When I finally reached that day, preparing to walk down the aisle,
I smiled when I thought of you.
I imagined you helping me with my makeup,
trying to make me look "sexy",as you so loved to do!
"Come out of your shell and be proud of who you are,"
you would tell me.
You were never intimidated by people glancing your way.
You would have smiled when you saw me
ready to walk proudly to my groom,
confident for once in my life, that I was actually beautiful.
You would have smiled when you saw your little girl, Arianna,
her little white gown and basket of petals, sprinkling them down the aisle.
You would have laughed that old belly laugh as Ari stopped midway
down the aisle, dumped her remaining petals, and went to her Nana.
"That's my girl!" you'd say, so amused yet so proud.
That's who you'd be that day!

When I met my baby girl for the first time, saw her gorgeous face,
I thought of you. I thought of the mommy that you were,
how much you loved your babies and
wanted so much to do whatever you could to take care of them.
I imagined your smile when I told you her name,
Sadie Andrea, in honor of you!
I thought of the tear of joy your would have cried,
amazed that someone would have ever wish to carry on your name.
You never thought as highly of yourself, never saw yourself
in the light I saw you.
You would have known at that moment
what your friendship meant to me.
That's who you'd be, that day!

When I have those days where I just want to kick back,
relax, and laugh with a good friend, I think of you.
I imagine we would go out for a girls night, sing along to the radio,
and dance the night away forgetting our daily struggles.
I imagine we would come back to my house, you would throw jokes
at Ray, and we'd all laugh a little more.
I imagine your laugh, that I heard so often.
I miss the way it would ring off the walls,
and your smile that would light up your eyes.
I imagine how your eyes must light up now, for eternity,
as you bask in the eternal love your savior has for you.
I imagine your insecurities, gone forever.
I imagine your longing for love, fulfilled completely.
I imagine your hurts of life, melted away by the one who heals all wounds.
I imagine your awe and wonder, at the One who sits before you on the throne.
I imagine your gratitude, that He can love you with such a deep and
never ending love like you never imagined.
That's who you'd be today!

Though you have gone from this world, you are never forgotten. I have to laugh every time Sadie gets into trouble, when I speak her middle name and think, "How appropriate!" How ironic it is that your name comes forth when this little girl gets into trouble....a true reflection of the troublemaker you always were! Though I miss our days together, I look forward to the days we will spend in the presence of the One who gives us the perfect love we always dreamed of! I love you my dear friend and can't wait to see you again!

As you listen to the last two songs on my playlist, that I have added for Andrea, I ask that you say a prayer for Ari. I praise God continuously for the never ending love Joann and Morrie have poured out on their grand-daughter. They have done a phenomenal job of caring for this energetic little girl and will always hold a special place in my heart. Pray for continued peace for the family in the challenging arrangement they have. Most of all, pray for Andrea's joy and laughter to stay alive in Ari so that she can live out some of the dreams her mom never got to accomplish. I can think of nothing more that Andrea would have wanted.

To the one I love

All of my life I longed to find a man who could spend the years with me. Someone who could help me to grow and become a better person. Someone who I could have a family with and grow old with. On December 14, 2002, I met that person. Two weeks from that day, we knew that God had designed us for each other. Scary, but true! Within 6 months time we were engaged and married a year later. There was so much we knew we wanted in a spouse and we were amazed to find that, and more, in each other. However, in light of all we knew about each other, we would quickly learn there was so much we did not know....

We didn't know, then, that God had designed me to encourage Ray
to step out in faith and explore new career options.
We didn't know, the day Ray left his management job,
without another job to fall back on, that another job would be provided.
We didn't know then, but we know now, that this leap of faith
is the very thing that would lead Ray into sales, the field of work he is best at.

We didn't know, then, that our decision to start a family,
would lead us on one of the rockiest years we had experienced.
We didn't know, then, when I was diagnosed with placenta previa,
that the baby girl I carried wouldn't be born early or experience complications.
We didn't know then, but we know now, that God would
carry me through 8 months of pregnancy without a single complication.

We didn't know, then, that when our rent was raised beyond what we could afford,
God was opening up the door for another opportunity.
We didn't know, then, that when we decided to look for a house to rent
with my mom, we would take a chance and apply for a mortgage.
We didn't know, then, that 2 weeks later we would be signing
the papers to purchase our very first home.

We didn't know, then, that we found this house just in the nick
of time as our growing family would expand.
We didn't know, then, the day we found this home,
I was already carrying our second child.
We didn't know, then, but we know now,
that 9 months later, daddy would be the first
to announce to the world, "It's a boy!", as we welcomed our little man.

We didn't know, then, that when God designed our family to all live together,
He was providing valuable opportunities for us to spend time
with mom and grandma.
We didn't know, then, that living together would provide
grandma with unending joy in seeing 2 of her
great grandchildren grow on a daily basis.
We didn't know, then, but we know now, what a gift it was
to have grandma spend her last year of her earthly life
in the home she helped to provide for us.

We didn't know, then, that after 5 short years of marriage,
we would have a home, two children, and a great mom to experience it all with us.
We didn't know, then, but we know now, this is EXACTLY the life we longed for.

Amazing the things that time can uncover and teach you. For me, what I didn't know then, was how truly wonderful this man would be. That he would see me through some very difficult times and stay by my side regardless. I didn't know, then, that he would continue to encourage me as a teacher until I decided to go back into teaching. I didn't know then, that not only would he love our children unconditionally, he would be a great father and cherish every minute with them.
I didn't know, then, but I know now, that as each day passes I grow to love him more and more. Happy Father's Day to the one I love! Our children are truly blessed to have you as a daddy and I am truly blessed to have you as a partner in raising them. I dedicate the song, "Then" by Brad Paisley, the last one on my playlist to you today. It's truly a great reflection of the things we have learned through our few years together.

The One that matters

I've had several people ask me how I'm doing as a result of my last blog posting so I thought I better provide an update. I also wanted to take the opportunity to explain a little bit about this depression that I deal with.

Before I was ever diagnosed with depression, I characterized it as someone who was sad and cried all the time, found it hard to function, and spent a lot of time sleeping. I was surprised to learn that the face of depression has many different characteristics. While the things I described can be part of depression for some people, it isn't always the case and there is so much more that goes along with it. The best way I have found to explain what I deal with is that there is a little monster who lives in my head. Don't worry, I'm not hearing voices! This little monster is called depression. He fills my mind with negative thoughts, discourages me, makes me feel worth very little, and convinces me that I am not a good wife, mother, or friend. He is not a very nice little guy, by any means!! When I feed that little monster his medicine every day, he gets much quieter! He doesn't go away as the medicine doesn't fix it all. However, he does get easier to manage and deal with. It levels my mood just enough to be able to tell him to back off and leave me alone! However, if that medicine is not working or I am not taking it at all, he goes right back to being the nasty little booger that he is.

After meeting with my doctor on Monday, my suspicion that the generic version of the medicine I am on was to blame, was confirmed. Even though generics are supposed to be the same as the name brand, research has shown that they may not work as well for some people. My doctor said that the best way to counteract this is to simply raise the dosage...fine by me! Have I considered not taking medication? You bet! I've tried this several times in the past as I wondered if I even needed it at all. However, I learned within months that the depression and anxiety return full force, even when everything in my life is going well. It's not a circumstantial depression, it's an inherited condition that has afflicted several members of my extended family in the past. I've dealt with well meaning individuals telling me I simply needed to "trust God" and that he could "heal me" of my depression. I've been told I simply need to find "joy in the Lord" and be grateful for the things He has provided. I understand these individuals mean well and their intentions are honorable, however, I also understand from my experience that depression is a REAL thing that needs treatment just as diabetes needs insulin.

I encourage you if you are going through this or have been through it to hang in there. Seek the treatment you need, talk about it, be honest with yourself, and take one day at a time. If you have never dealt with depression, Praise God!! However, I encourage you to be patient with those in your life that do. Embrace them for who they are and encourage them to get help or continue seeking help. Try not to assume that they are simply not "trusting God". I have entrusted my life to the Lord since I was a small child and continue to grow in my relationship with Him. Actually, this depression has brought me closer to Him, helping me learn to trust Him more!

I wanted to draw your attention to a song on my playlist....don't I always?! It's called Audience of One. I stumbled upon this song a few years ago when I purchased one of those "Wow" praise albums. It applies so well to my life as it reminds me every time I hear it to remember who my audience is. I don't live to please others, I live to please HIM. I don't seek the approval of others, I seek HIS approval. I don't need have every friend in the world to be important, I only need HIM.

I also wanted to add how much I appreciate so many of you reaching out to me in this past week. I seriously wrote this blog as a little journal for myself and really didn't think anyone would be interested in reading it. "Who cares about what I have to say?" I thought. See? That little monster had me convinced...."Nobody cares, Julie. You know nobody is going to read it!" Well, you all proved him, and me, wrong! I learned that when I seek the audience of the Lord, He makes sure to send out His followers to lift me up and encourage me. So thank you for the phone calls and emails to check in on me. It really made a difference and made me feel so much better to know that I have friends that care. Amy, thank you again for following the "nudge" of the spirit and stopping in with the flowers and card. The sweet fragrance of them has filled my living room to the point that it's the first thing I notice when I wake up in the morning, when I return home, and before I go to bed at night. How nice to have that reminder of friendship and caring hearts through the simple sweet smell of a pretty flower. Every time I pass by them and take a sniff, I smile and am reminded of the sweet success the Holy Spirit has had in defeating my little monster!

Don't forget to listen to the song! I'm sure you will love it too! I love to imagine myself seated before the Father saying those very words to Him. In a bible study I did not too long ago, we learned about the tabernacle that was built in exactly the way the Lord commanded it to be designed. The most intimate of places in the tabernacle is the Holy of Holies, where the ark of the covenant resided and the spirit of God was believed to reside. Nobody, not even the high priest, was allowed in this room, except on a few occasions. Even then, the room was filled with smoke as to cloud the view of the Holy One, from the eyes of man. When Jesus died on the cross, the veil that separated man from God in the temple, tore from top to bottom. What a great reminder that because of Jesus' love for us, we are no longer separated from God. It's as if we were given permission to crawl under the curtain, enter the holiest of places, and lay before the Almighty. He is your audience.....marvel and bask in His presence!

Blue skies are needed!

Most of you know by now that depression is something I have struggled with off an on throughout my entire life. Though this depression is managed by medication for the most part, I do have times here and there that things get a little off balance. Well....right now is one of those times for me. Most likely it is due to a recent change in my medication that has not been perfected. However, it could also be made a little more challenging by normal changes in my life. Transitioning from having one child to having two, working primarily from home and being responsible for my business, and the financial strain of both!! The biggest challenge I'm facing right now is battling lonliness. As I am primarily a stay at home mom, I don't have much opportunity to interact with others. I find it hard to get involved with other groups of stay at home moms because I don't stay home full time....I also work!! Since I run my own business, this responsibility makes it difficult to carve out time to spend outside of the house while still fulfilling my obligations. Stuck between a rock and a hard place...you can see!! Most of the friends I grew up with and went to college with are far away as we all scattered around the country once we graduated. Thus, the natural result of all of this is being alone at times. Most of the time I can handle this and welcome the opportunity to have peace and quiet and time to myself. However, when depression hits, lonliness makes it that much worse.

The song I have found to bring me some peace in these times of depression is "Blue Skies" by Point of Grace, #11 on my playlist at the bottom of the page. It reminds me that even when the clouds of depression surround me, I can rely on the light of the Son to bring my blue skies back. Even as I type this I must do it out of faith in Him, hope in His promises, and the love He surrounds me with. My feelings alone will not get me through it. They are the very thing that satan tries to use to pull me away from the cross. He never wins....he never wins! The light of the Son always shines through and moves me on to higher ground. Getting there is hard and tiring, but He always does!

Today I ask for prayer. I plead for comfort. I cry for peace. I hope that none of you have to struggle with this same thing, but please know if you do, that you are not alone. One of the things that has gotten me through these times in the past has been knowing that other people face depression too. We get through it with help and deal with it day by day. Some days the skies are more blue than others. Those are the days that carry us through to the other side. Thanks in advance for your prayers and for dealing with my moods during these times. I know for a fact that it is not easy and I appreciate your friendship regardless of where I am in my life. I need it so much more than you will ever know!

Word of God Speak

I mentioned not too long ago that I have recently begun the process of applying for teaching jobs. Coming from running my own business for the past 4 years, I had already expected it to take some time before I found anything. I'm back in that place....the place of waiting! You all know the place! I've been there plenty of times myself.....

Finally graduate from college!
Ready to join the world!
Apply for jobs.
Pray.....wait...pray....wait...repeat for 3 months

Settle into first job!
Meet with incredible challenges and adversity.
Search for new jobs.
Pray....wait.....pray.....wait...repeat for 2 years

Ready to find someone to share my life with!
Date.....date some more.....and some more.
Finally hand over decision to the Lord!
Pray.....wait.....pray...wait...repeat for 5 years.

Come face to face with the man I know I will marry!!
Amazed at God's design for me and for our lives!
Let God work in us to prepare us for each other.
Pray......wait...pray.....wait....repeat for 1 year.

Begin to grow our family!
Discover pregnancy is high risk.
Fear of losing baby girl, finances tight, outcome unknown.
Pray.....wait.....pray....wait....repeat for 9 months.

Discover we are in this for the long haul!
Realize how challenging life can be, even together!
Kids exhausting, money tight, jobs not predictable....the list goes on.
Pray...wait....pray...wait....repeat FOREVER!!

Just a little illustration of this thing called waiting!! I thought you might like that! I'm sure you all have your own examples you could fill in the blanks with. Whatever the situation may be, I'm sure you have learned the same thing I have. When we choose to live in line with God's will for our lives, things don't just appear out of thin air and land in our laps. There is a process involved in every decision that we make for our lives. We have to CHOOSE to desire God's will for us. We have to CHOOSE to pray for His guidance and direction. We have to CHOOSE to let the Holy Spirit help us discern the best choices to make. We have to CHOOSE to wait patiently for that answer to come. Most importantly, we have to CHOOSE to be still and quiet, listening for Him to speak to us. Sometimes that means we have to continue to wait for the answer for years and years, maybe the rest of our lives. However, the best part of all that waiting is that in the end we get to experience the richest blessings of our lives! I've found it to be true that the longer I have had to wait, the more wonderful the blessing! More importantly, I never forget the hand that provided that blessing to me in the first place!

My pastor once spoke about this and stated that, "waiting is one of the greatest exercises of faith we will ever experience." See, waiting isn't just hanging out until God gives us what we want. If we really wanted something, there are ways we could go and get it for ourselves. What we are waiting on is HIS plan, HIS providing, HIS gifts for us. Choosing to stop, pray, and let Him direct us, is a demonstration of how much faith we have in Him. I don't know about you, but I can speak for myself when I say that faith comes from experience. From believing in, trusting in, and following a God who cares for my every need and desire. As an old Michael Card song states, "To hear with my heart, to see with my soul, to be guided by a hand I can not hold. To trust in a way that I can not see. That's what faith must be!" Now I truly understand why that song is one of my mother's favorites. She lives this kind of faith filled life....I only hope I can too!

The song from my playlist today is called "Word of God Speak". It speaks to my heart so much about the importance of being still, quiet, and letting the word of the Lord fill in the silence. For those of you who know me, being quiet is a very difficult task in itself!!! As you face those times of waiting in the months to come, just remind yourself that for every minute, hour, and day that passes, your faith is growing that much more!!

Homecoming

This posting is dedicated in memory of Jeremy, who celebrates the one year anniversary of his Heavenly homecoming today.

Last year around this time, I was signing Sadie up for preschool at a local community center. While the director was giving me a tour, I spotted a poster that hung on the door, anchored with a pin and a blue ribbon. The poster asked for prayers, the picture of the precious baby boy tugging at my heart strings. I asked the director about it, wondering just who this little guy was. Her response took my breath away...he passed away two days ago, she told me. As I drove home I couldn't help but now notice all the blue ribbons tied up through town. The whole town was praying for this 6 month old baby.....how could something like this happen? When I got home I looked up the website that was posted on the flyer to see if there was anything I could do to help this family. Surprisingly, I found myself stuck to the computer for the next hour, reading entry after entry in this online journal of his battle for life. Two months of struggling to live, his little body fighting so hard against the infection that had taken over his heart. I could not fight the tears as I read the notes written by his mom and dad, their anguish in feeling his pain, while at the same time, counting on their faith in God to pull him through so they could bring him home.

As I turned off the computer, I looked at my little man, Simon, who was only 3 months old at the time. I couldn't fathom how a parent could walk into an ER expecting IV fluids for dehydration, to end up leaving the hospital 2 months later empty handed. How would I go on? How could I live without my precious baby? What would I do if something like that happened to Sadie or Simon.

Within the next few weeks, Jeremy's mom, Amy, began a blog to post her continuing battle with the grief of losing her son. I followed the blog, curious to see how she was going to carry on. The lessons that followed were unimaginable! Amy opened up her heart and soul to anyone who was willing to take the time and read about her journey through not only death, but life. Life after loss. Life day by day. Life with the Lord!

I wanted to take the opportunity today to honor Jeremy as well as Amy. Here are some of the things they have both taught me......

Life is short, eternal life is forever!
We want so badly to cling to the things of this earth with all our might,
in fear they will drift out of our grasp and we will lose them.
However, God reminds us that even though our lives here
are but a breath, our eternal life will never end! It is truly where we belong.

We are not in control, but thank God that He is!!
Oh, how hard it was for a mom to watch
her little helpless baby suffer
and not be able to take that pain away from him.
How hard it was for her
to let him go, when his time came.
How hard it is for her to give up the desire to control
her life and everything she holds dear! Take heart!
How wonderful it is that He is in ultimate control!
Hard to believe He's in control, when things such as this take place.
However, I've listened, watched, and learned through Amy
in this past year that He always wins. She has conquered the
enemy over and over again when he has attempted to steal her joy.
This only comes from a heart that worships the Father of all creation!
Thank you, Amy, for being a beacon of light, hope, and strength.

Sometimes we need to be broken to our core,
to be made new in Him!!
One of my favorite blog entries of Amy's
detailed her realization that she
was being made new in Christ.
Just as her wilting plant needed
her to dig up the bulb, break it in pieces,
and plant them again, Jesus
had to do that with her heart.
Through the suffering and pain she has experienced,
her inmost being has been broken, yet is
also growing in a new direction. She is facing the light of the Son,
looking to Him for her everything. That, my friends,
is the best lesson in life! Though I know from experience how
painful it is to be "broken to your core", I can also
testify to the amazing mercy and grace
that comes with being made new!

Life is a marathon, not a sprint!
Amy spoke in her postings many times about Jeremy running
a marathon, of sorts, as he fought for his life.
There were days that they spent
hours watching and waiting to see if he would pull through to
the next leg of the race. It got me thinking about how our
lives are also like a marathon but so often we
just want to sprint and get each stage over with. We face
an uphill battle, and rather than taking it slow, we attempt to
get it over with quick and painlessly.
Only finding then that our energy
and strength is spent on that first half of the hill.
We look up at what we have left to run and feel like giving up,
surrendering to the battle that has seemingly overcome us.
What we fail to notice is how much of the
battle we have already won!
Halfway up the hill means we are almost to the top!
We also fail to dip from the wellspring of God's strength
when we need it the most.
When you're running that marathon and are offered a drink
from the sidelines, take it!
When you feel like you just can't go on,
listen to the cheers of those on the sidelines,
telling you how great you are doing.
Most importantly, keep you eye on the finish line
and the One who stands to meet you there.
We are not meant to run this race alone,
He is our coach and trainer, after all!

As Amy and her family remember this day last year and struggle to get through the painful memories it may bring, I ask that you pray for them. Pray for their faith to be strengthened, their hope to endure, and their joy to overcome.

Amy, I thank you for the gift of your friendship and your open heart for all to learn from. Who knew when I saw that flyer a year ago I would end up not only making a new friend but also have my hope, faith, and joy in the Lord made new again through your words! I can't wait to meet Jeremy when we get to our own homecoming celebration!!

Several of the songs I have added to my playlist were inspired by the lessons I have learned through Amy and Jeremy this past year. Specifically numbers 3-6 are songs that really spoke to me in this situation. I would especially like to dedicate the song, "I still believe", as I first heard this song on Amy's blog and found myself in amazement of her strength. To this day, Sadie calls it "Jeremy's song" when she hears it because it was usually the song that would play when I would pull up the blog. Ironically, the artist that sings the song is also named Jeremy! For that reason, this song will always be "Jeremy's song" in my own heart as I think it truly speaks to the biggest lesson of all that he taught us. Believing! Enjoy your celebration in heaven today, little man! Take heart, we still believe!

"Who am I?"

In putting this blog together, one of the things I have enjoyed the most is collecting songs to include on my playlist at the bottom of this page. Each of the songs I have included has great meaning for me and has taken me through some of the most joyous and toughest times of my life. I will try and include a post on here to give a little background to each of those songs to give you an idea what they mean to me. I chose the song, "Who Am I?" by Casting Crowns to talk about today. Mainly because I am finding myself at a crossroads in my life right now where I am trying to figure out who I am. You would think at the age of 31 I would have that figured out by now! I guess it's just one of those things you have to explore over and over throughout your life as seasons change.

As a wife, I am constantly trying to figure out who I am to this person I married. How does he see me? Am I being the loving, caring, selfless person I hoped I would be to my spouse?

As a mother, I am trying to figure out who I am to my children. Am I the mother I always thought I would be? Am I being the patient, protecting, role model my children need?

As a friend, I am trying to figure out how to BE a friend!! How do I carve out time in my busy life to be the friend I want to be? How do I keep myself from being isolated in my world of runny noses and macaroni and cheese? Am I seeking out the fellowship I need and making an effort to provide that fellowship for others?

As a teacher, I am trying to figure out where I need to teach. Do the doors continue to open up with tutoring or do I need to close those and find a window back into the classroom? Why did I feel the spirit leading me to go back to working full time, only to find my days of tutoring are not yet over? Praise God for more work.....beg Him for clarity of direction!!!

Most importantly as a child of God, I am trying to figure out who I am in Him. Am I seeking Him with all my heart, soul, and mind? What can I possibly give Him that He doesn't already have? How can I possibly be someone He uses?

This is where I come to the song. As I listened to the chorus of this song, I was blown away by the simplicity of the words, yet the profound truth they speak. "Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done. Not because of what I've done, but because of Who You are!" Nothing we can do or be will ever have meaning or purpose without the Lord's hand. We may be small, we may feel sometimes that we can not possibly have an impact, but WE ARE HIS! He reminds us that we belong to Him because of what He has done for us and Who He is. He is the Great I Am, the almighty Father, our Savior, redeemer, and friend.

As you go through your day and find yourselves at a crossroads, wherever it may be, remember that there is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt. No matter where we go, what we do, or who we are, we will always belong to HIM!!! No other identity is needed than that!

Happy Birthday Daniel!

Today's posting is in honor and celebration of two dear friends of ours, Bonnie and Patrick, and their sweet little Daniel John who would be celebrating his second birthday today.

On this day two years ago, I received a joyous call from Patrick, letting us know of little Daniel's arrival. I waited anxiously for more details so I could find out where to visit. However, before I could even make it up to the hospital to congratulate them, I received another phone call telling me that Daniel didn't make it through the night. I was speechless. I had known, as so many did, that there was a concern for Daniel's health since early in the pregnancy. However, I never truly knew the magnitude or severity of it all. We had prayed for months, hoped for the best, and now watched our friends face the unthinkable. Having to say goodbye to a child. Amazingly, in the few hours of his life, Daniel had more of an impact than I think I have ever had!

He taught us about life. From before the time Daniel was even conceived, God knew him, every last detail, down to the very birth defect that took his life. When Bonnie and Patrick learned of the odds against him, they chose instead to look at the possibilities. Rather than taking the choice into their own hands and terminating the pregnancy, they decided to give life a chance. The prior would have probably been less painful for them, much easier than having to meet him face to face and say goodbye so quickly. Yet, they chose life. They chose to give Daniel a chance at life and let God have the control.

He taught us about selflessness. I watched Bonnie and Patrick go through months of doctor's appointments, testing, ultrasounds, research, and worries. They sacrificed time with their other child to accomplish these things. They sacrificed financially when Bonnie had to be on bed rest. They sacrificed of themselves time and time again simply to give this little life the honor and respect he deserved. They recognized the true meaning of being a parent...putting your child first.

He taught us about time. Though Daniel only had a few hours with us, he was able to show us how important it is to not take this life for granted. Life on earth for Daniel was literally a breath, a wink, a short moment in time. Yet, what we don't realize, but will someday soon, is that ours is just as short. Sometimes we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of our daily grind that we fail to stop and appreciate the moments we have. However, it is so important to take life one day at a time and live it to the fullest. Rather than always striving to have more, do more, be more, we need to accept and rejoice in where we are. Daniel reminded me how important it is to sit and read an extra book to my children. He reminded me how important it is to give my husband hugs, "just because". He reminded me to say what's on my mind and not wait until tomorrow. You don't know if tomorrow will be there! Now you know why I talk so much! I don't want to let a moment slip by without letting my loved ones know how important they are to me and how much of an impact they are having in the lives of those around them.

Most importantly, he taught us about joy. As I watched Bonnie and Patrick at Daniel's memorial service, I couldn't help but notice the joy that seemed to shine through, even in the darkest moments of grief. Though they both hurt so much and longed to have their little man in their arms, every time they talked about him, I could see their eyes light up. They may not have known it, but I saw it. It's the joy that comes from having been given even just a moment with your precious child. It's the joy that comes from memorizing his face, his hands, his feet, every detail, not taking any of it for granted. It's the joy that comes from knowing he is now healed. It's the joy that comes from knowing he is forever safe in the arms of the Father. It's the joy that comes from knowing one day he will be waiting on the other side of that gate for them when the Father calls each of them home. That, my friends is true joy. Not joy in the temporary, joy in the eternal. The place we will one day be together again and throw those darn tissues away!!

So, Bonnie and Patrick, I thank you. For letting us be a part of your lives and letting Daniel be a part of ours. He truly was a gift to so many and his life will never be forgotten.

Daniel, Happy Birthday, little man! I know you don't even need candles for your birthday cake...you have the light of the Savior to make your face shine! Save a spot for me in paradise, buddy! I want front row seats!

At the bottom of this page is my playlist. Take a minute if you can to scroll to the bottom of the list of songs. Bonnie and Patrick chose to play the song, "Held" by Natalie Grant, at Daniel's memorial service. In memory of Daniel I would like to dedicate that song and the last one on my list, "I can only imagine". We look forward to the day we can truly be Held in the Father's arms as we can only imagine how truly glorious it is!