Enough

I've spent some time adding to my playlist as there are so many songs that have carried me through the past few months that I wanted to share. As you all know by now, music is a very big therapeutic tool for me. It forces me to stop thinking and listening to the negative thoughts that fill my head at times. After all, how could I possibly ignore the amazingly accurate lyrics of a song that fit exactly how I am feeling and what I am going through?!! It reminds me that I am not alone in my struggles, that there is always a light on the other side, and that the true hope and joy comes from my Savior. When I find myself alone at home or traveling in the car to my appointments, I fill the silence with music. Choosing to praise Him in my storm, lifting my voice to glorify Him, and honoring Him no matter how I am feeling at the time.

This past Sunday we had an excellent sermon about contentment. The biggest point I took away from it was this,

"The secret to true happiness is not whether we can be content with our circumstances.
It is whether or not we can be content with Jesus."

No matter what life brings us, we need to put aside our disappointments and realize that Jesus is ALL we need. Even when our lives are full of wonderful gifts and all the things we have dreamed of and worked for, those things will never fill us like He will. We can not base our happiness on the circumstances we are in....we need to base it on HIM!!! That is the secret to being content with life. I'm sure, like me, you have found yourself struggling to be content in your circumstances, sometimes even when you are right where you thought you wanted to be. I've learned through these moments that the reason for that lack of contentment is where I center my focus. If I focus on my circumstances, as they change daily, I will find my contentment wavering. If I focus on Him, on His glorious riches and His plentiful love, I will always be content.

My song for today is "Enough" by Jeremy Camp, #37 on my playlist. The chorus helps remind us that He is not just enough, He is MORE than enough!! We never need to want or need for anything when we put our lives in His hands. He fills every thirst and every need with His love. Drink from His fountain of living water....it never runs dry!

The Butterfly

I warn you in advance, this is a long posting!! I'm sure those of you who follow have found me to be quite wordy in general as I feel details are so important and don't want to leave anything out. This posting in particular is quite lengthy because there was so much that God helped me to work through that I wanted to make sure to give Him the glory for every bit of the journey He has brought me through.

Several weeks ago I shared with you about the cocoon that I had placed myself in as I worked my way through a recent episode of depression. The cocoon is not a means of shutting out the world in order to isolate myself, it is merely a protective shell of sorts that allows me to work through what I need to in the healthiest way possible. In order to allow that cocoon environment to do it's job, I decided to take it on the road and give myself a little "me" time. Something I haven't done since getting married 5 years ago! Long overdue trip, that's for sure!! Thanks to a gracious husband who willingly took over with the kids for the weekend, and a sister and brother-in-law who watched them while Ray was working, I was able to focus on just myself. Before I left, I talked with Ray about the need to rediscover myself, apart from being a wife and mom. Don't get me wrong, for most of my life I have dreamed of being exactly where I am today and feel beyond blessed to have just the family I desired. However, I think it is safe to say that in the hustle and bustle of daily life, it is very common for moms especially to lose a bit of that concept of "me". So, I packed my two small bags and hopped in the car to go find "Julie" once again and allow God to complete the work needed before emerging from my cocoon. In order to help you understand the process I underwent, I did a little research on butterflies and found the parallel to be amazing!

"Usually an insect will enter into a Cocoon so that they will be protected from a harsh or unfriendly environment."

Even though the environment I am in is full of people who love and care about me, when my depression hits, Satan does everything in his power to convince me otherwise. He is a master at taking the blessings that the Lord has provided me with and trying to turn them into painful things. He tries to convince me I am unloved, I am insignificant, and I am unimportant.
Praise God that I am able to enter into the cocoon of His loving embrace and protect myself
from the lies that Satan attempts to fill my head with. I also wanted to protect those around me from the effect that this depression was having on them. When my mind is full of lies and deception, it is much harder for me to be in the Word, even though that is when I need it most.
It is much harder for me to find comfort, even in prayer, which I need so desperately. It is much harder for me to resist temptation and sin, which I need so much to flee. Unfortunately, this bout of depression took me to a place I have never been before. I found myself making poor choices and mistakes that I never thought I was capable of. I had to stop myself, make a choice to not allow Satan to overcome me anymore, and pull into my safe place of refuge. If I continued on that downward spiral, I was only going to hurt myself and my family even more than I already had. So, when I say I had to protect myself from a harsh and unfriendly environment, it is most certainly not my loved ones. It is the influence of Satan in my heart when he finds a point of weakness and grabs ahold of me. The cocoon is the one place he can not get a grasp of me because it is where my ears and heart are focused on that voice of truth. The voice of my Savior. He is the only One I let in!!

"You never know what type of insect will come out of these cocoons. That is because there are so many different insects that use cocoons."

I didn't know what I was going to find when I went to Syracuse. I didn't know why I was going. I just knew I needed to go. While drawn into my cocoon I pleaded with the Lord to reveal to me what I needed to do before emerging. Taking a few days to explore my heart was the one thing He made very clear to me. I had wandered down a lonely path, taken a detour that was not on His agenda for me. As a result I was finding myself in sin, being disobedient to Him, and pushing away from what I knew to be right and good. In order to get back on track, He needed me to pull back from all distractions. He needed me to go to a "safe place". Syracuse is where my roots are. It is a place I know like the back of my hand. It is a place where around every corner I can find friends who have known me for much of my life. It is a place where I can rest knowing that I will be lifted up, encouraged, and surrounded by people who know the very heart of me. However, this trip was different for me. This time I was going up there feeling almost as if I was turning into a different person. I didn't know the "insect inside the cocoon", so to speak. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I had changed, time had changed me, life had changed. In many ways these were good changes, yet change is still difficult and often painful. Change allows for growth, for pruning away the dead branches, and for making us new. In this stage of change, I was confused, overwhelmed, and even a little lost as to what was happening to me and what I was going to look like when I emerged from my cocoon. Let me tell you, that is a scary place to be! I'm sure you've been there too!

"If you peel away the transparent shell, the butterfly's wings will never expand; everything has to happen exactly on schedule, or it won't happen at all."

Exactly on schedule! God has awesome timing for everything in life! He worked together all the details of this trip for me like clockwork. Every bit and piece was there for a reason and served a beautiful purpose in helping me to grow to perfection before emerging from my cocoon. The first piece that fell into place was the medication adjustment. I have found in dealing with my depression that before I can even begin to "deal" with anything, I MUST have my medication balanced. If my mood is not stable, it is near impossible for me to work through the tough things that are in my path. Praise God that the day I left for my trip I had an appointment to see my doctor. He had just put me on a new medication and increased the dosage to be exactly what my body needed. Before I even completed my drive to Syracuse, I could already tell the medicine was taking effect and doing it's job. What a sigh of relief that was! One task done!! The next thing to fall into place was a comfortable "home" of sorts for my few days there. Staying at home is not an option for me, for a variety of reasons, and I had actually made the difficult choice to not visit with my dad on this trip. I knew I was in an unstable emotional place already and was not able to deal with any more emotions that would come up in being around him. It is not to mean that I don't love my father or desire to be around him. It is simply one of the things that I could not allow to invade my cocoon....I have learned how to protect myself. I have been friends with Connie since we were young, 20 years to be exact, and she lovingly opened up her home to me once again. This gave me such a peaceful and relaxed feeling as it allowed me to come and go as needed as well as spend time with the friend I have grown to love like a sister. The laughs we share are always much needed and very refreshing! The final detail to fall into place was the company of friends I was able to spend time with. Each and every person who I spent time with, expressed concern and love for me, allowing me to open up and explore the details of this phase more deeply. Each friend was a safe person who I felt I could be "transparent" with and show my true self, allowing God to use them as His shepherds, guiding me in the way I needed to go. For the first time in a long time, I felt like "me" again. I could feel myself growing stronger, removing the dead and useless things that had entered into my heart over time. My fire had been re-lit, my faith had been renewed, and I was being made whole again through the power of His love for me!

"It has oftentimes been said that the most beautiful butterflies have actually emerged from the ugliest Cocoons."

It is very true that this cocoon in particular was an ugly one. This bout of depression was the deepest I had been in since being diagnosed over 10 years ago. The feelings and strong emotions I experienced this time around were so much more painful than I ever remembered them to be. However, I knew from experience that the more painful the challenge I am in, the more beautiful the outcome is once God is finished with me. This time was no exception! Driving home, I had 5 hours in which to think over everything I had been through and make that slow and cautious move from inside my cocoon to the branch, ready to spread my wings. I came to several big conclusions that I believe will change the way I live from this point forward. The first was that in the past I had never been able to accept myself for who I was. Since I was unable to view myself through the Lord's eyes, it was so hard for me to accept love from others and truly believe that I deserved it. I needed to come to a place of accepting me. I needed to embrace who I was in God's eyes, see myself as others see me, and love myself enough to believe I am valuable. For the first time in my life, after this trip, I truly believe that! I can finally look at myself inside and out and believe that I am the beautiful creature that God created. The second conclusion I came to is that I need to able to accept the gifts God has given me, cherish them, and honor Him in the way I care for them. Mainly my husband, my children and my family. If I can embrace these loved ones as the gifts they are to me, they will begin to feel like the beautiful creatures that God has shown me I am. I want nothing more for Ray and the kids than for them to see themselves through God's eyes and my own, as the perfect and pure gifts He has given me. Though we will all face ups and downs together, we will care for each other and grow together as God desires for us to do. Nothing makes me happier than that simple thought. Amazingly, the best thing I found was that I had not disappeared at all. I had felt like I had lost "Julie" in the midst of all this struggle. When really, I was there all along, just buried beneath the rubble of the mess I had gotten myself into.

The two songs I want to leave you with today are the final ones I added to my playlist. "She's a Butterfly" by Martina McBride is a great illustration of where I feel I am right now. It empowers me to be able to believe that I am this beautiful and strong creature that is being made new every day in His love. The other song is "I Will be Here" by Stephen Curtis Chapman. Even if you have heard it before, you should listen to this version I found....it is very pretty. I chose this because I listened to it tearfully on my way to Syracuse as I thought of the wonderful husband that God has blessed me with to walk through this life with me, no matter what. We have faced some difficult times in the past few months but he has shown me time and again that he will always be there and I hope I am doing the same for him. I love you very much, my sweet husband. I thank you for caring for me even in my ugliest of times!! Thanks for bearing with me through this long posting, friends. I wouldn't be the person that I am without the people in my life to cheer me on, encourage me, and build me up!

(Quotes taken from cocoon.org and clayruth.com)

You Alone

For much of my life, I have spent my days trying to find love, joy, fulfillment, and purpose. No matter where I find these things, I always come back to the same conclusion. The only TRUE source of pure love, pure joy, pure fulfillment, and pure purpose, is my Lord and Savior. Any other attempts to fill these things with worldly means will only lead to disappointment and heartbreak. Don't get me wrong....God uses the joys and blessings of my life to provide me with these things in this world. However, it has to always come from HIM and be for HIM. As I take the weekend to find some much needed rest and relaxation for my soul, I want you to know that my heart is not focused on my depression. It is not focused on my trials. It is not focused on my pain. It is focused on Him and Him alone. In doing this, I know without a doubt that I can return to my life of wife and mother and be full to overflowing once again with the joy that only HE can bring. He is the source of my strength and all that keeps me going. I just need to take a walk, go to the well of His living water, and fill my empty pail. Then, and only then, can I truly be made free of all that plagues me and brings me down. Satan will not win the battle for my soul, my joy, and my hope. I have overcome before and I will overcome again. My song for the day is "You Alone" by Kim Hill. It is #5 on my playlist at the bottom of the page so make sure you listen to it. It is a very clear reminder that no matter what life brings we need to cling to the promise that He alone can bring.

I lift my eyes when I am troubled
I lift my hands, I lift my heart
And there I stand knowing nothing can defeat me
Just as long as I know where You are

In You alone
Is where I find my comfort
In You alone
You're my only hope
In You alone
My heart has found a resting place
In You alone
In You alone

So I won't fear though darkness hides me
No, I won't let my courage sway
For You are near and at the brightness of Your glory
The shadows of the night melt away

In You alone
Is promise I can cling to
In You alone
You're my security
In You alone
My soul has found a dwelling place
Only in You alone

What could separate me from Your love?
Neither life nor death, nor anything at all
Anything at all

Nothing will separate us from His love, friends. No matter what the world brings us, no matter what the pain may be...the only thing that matters is that we are in His love. I don't know about you, but that makes me more positive than anything that my soul needs to dwell with Him. He is the security that I need, the promise that brings me peace, and the hope that gives me rest.

Inside of my cocoon

I am going to try for once to keep this simple. Surprising, I know. It's necessary right now as I am doing what one of my blogging friends calls, "Cocooning". Thanks for sharing that great visual, Amy! It really helps to summarize these times of quietness in our lives. Just as we are all different, each person's cocoon serves a unique purpose.

On the outside, it may appear that I am closed off, hiding, running away, shutting people out, and giving up on life. That, my friends, is far from where I am.

My cocoon is a barrier. It is a protection that I have designed for myself to attempt to keep out any more potentially painful things that may drive me further into my depression.

My cocoon is dark and quiet...not a darkness to be shared with the enemy. A darkness that allows my eyes to only see the small pinpoint of light at the exit. The light that tells me how to find the way out. The quiet helps me focus on the Voice of Truth coming from my savior, and block out the voice of the enemy.

My cocoon leaves me in a state of ALONE. Why? Because it helps me focus on HIM ALONE. Keeps me from wandering around looking for the answers in the world around me. I sometimes need to be alone in that way, so that I am forced to look only at His face.

My cocoon is my growing place. It is where God takes me when He has broken me down and is preparing my heart to be grown in ways I have never experienced. Being broken leaves us vulnerable, fragile, and often in pain. The cocoon is God's way of giving us time to heal and grow in the ways that will make us the strongest.

Most importantly, I want you all to understand that when the time comes for me to emerge from my cocoon, I need to do it on my own. I shared a story on my friend's blog when she talked about this "cocooning" that she does as well. This story was of a moth cocoon that a man stumbled upon. He took the cocoon home and waited for the day that the beautiful creature would emerge. The day finally came and he watched as the tiny moth pushed against the threads that wound the cocoon so tightly. As the moth worked and worked he eventually created a large enough opening to push himself through. However, the man grew concerned when it seemed that these two remaining threads were making it very difficult for the moth to emerge completely. So he grabbed some scissors, snipped those last two threads, and set the moth free. To his dismay, over the next few days, he watched as the moth dragged his wet, limp wings around behind him. For some reason he was unable to spread his beautiful wings and fly as the man had wished he would see him do. What he learned later was this; the final two threads on that cocoon, were designed to push the fluid from the body of the moth into the wings, giving them life and allowing them to soar. The "merciful" snip of the threads had in fact led to the demise of the moth and kept him from ever fully developing as he was intended to.

I tell you all of that to remind you that even though it may be hard to watch me struggle with this depression at times, please keep in mind that God is still at work in me. I'm not saying don't step in if you feel the need is too great. I am simply trying to help you find comfort in knowing that I have placed myself in a cocoon that is safely in the Father's hands. The cocoon may appear to be harsh, deserting, or isolating at times, but it is exactly as it should be. The safe haven God has taught me how to build so I can protect myself and get through these times of trial for me.

Thank you in advance for your concern and prayers. I appreciate your love and encouragement and know that you will be there to provide just that when the time comes soon for me to emerge once again from my cocoon. Just please don't try and spare me the struggle of those last few threads! God has placed them there for my benefit and they will help me grow....even if it is painful for you to watch me push through it.

Moving on

I apologize that it has been awhile since I've posted....I traveled out of town last weekend and it has taken me quite a while to get back into the swing of things!! Life is so different with two kids! Especially when Ray didn't travel with me but the kids did! Thankfully my mom was able to go with me and watched them for me one evening so I could go out with some friends.

My trip to Syracuse this weekend brought back a variety of emotions that I haven't felt in a long time. Most likely due to my recent challenge with depression and still trying to get my medication balanced. Talk to those hormones of mine....they seem to have thrown me for a loop and thrown things off balance since I stopped nursing Simon. Fortunately, I have an appointment with my doctor again on Monday, so no worries. That will be taken care of very soon!

In spending some time thinking this weekend, it occurred to me that this summer marks the 10th year that I have been living in Baltimore. It amazed me how much things have changed in those 10 years. However, it also got me thinking back to the day I left Syracuse and headed down to Baltimore to be on my own. So much was going through my mind on that 6 hour drive.....excitement, anxiousness, fears, uncertainty....I couldn't predict what was ahead for me. The one thing I could do, was look at what was behind and try to learn from it to the best of my ability. At the time, Rascal Flatts had just come out with one of their first albums and I was listening to it on my tape player in what was now my very own car...the first I had ever purchased. Yes....I did say a tape player. Those were still a possible feature in a car 10 years ago. The song that came on just after I filled my tank with gas and hopped on the road, blew me away with how much it described exactly where I was, that day, that moment, that second in time. I'm sure you have heard it before, but here are the lyrics so I can help you understand a little more about why it was so strong for me....a little bit about where I came from. It's also on my playlist at the bottom of this page..please take a listen.

Moving On
Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

We all have those ghosts and demons. The things that have been part of shaping who we are but have also caused us some significant pain and challenge in life. Part of me felt like leaving Syracuse was just my way of running from my problems, trying to get away from the memories that haunted me and made me so depressed. What I realized in that moment was that I was doing just the opposite. I wasn't running away from something, I was running FOR something. I had spent years praying over the heartache and pains that plagued me, due to various childhood challenges. I lived in this place all of my life, went to college there, knew the faces surrounding me so well. But did those faces truly know the real me? Did I ever really give myself a chance to be the Julie that I really wanted to be? Or was I simply living life day to day, trying to please these people and fit in the mold they had carved for me. Was I making my own mold, or being what I thought others believed I should be? Don't get me wrong, I have so much love for the people who grew with me through the years and will always in a way be my family. However, I know that I also placed an expectation on myself to be who they "thought" I was....or at least who I thought they expected me to be. If I was going to change, turn my life around, be the person God had designed me to be, I needed to move. Move out, move on, move forward. It was one of the scariest things I have ever done, but one of the best choices I have ever made. Packing my bags, getting a job, living alone, being months in "the desert" without any friends, relying on God for my all! I will never forget one day after work, falling on my knees, wanting so badly to cry out to Him, "Lord remove me from this place. Take me back home." However, the words that came from my mouth must have been the provision of the Holy Spirit as all I could say was, "Lord do not remove this thorn from my flesh, for it is there for a reason!" I guess in my heart of hearts I knew, the only way to learn to be at peace with me, accept myself, and learn to see myself through God's eyes, was to stay in this place He had sent me. By the way, that forgiveness he talks about in the song......I found it. Forgiveness for those who have hurt me, forgiveness for myself, and accepting the forgiveness the Savior had been offering me for years for all the bad choices I had made and would still make in the future. I had to lose it all....to gain it all.

That, my friends, is what it means to pick up your cross and follow Him. Let it all go, whatever holds you back from seeking His face and following His will for your life. He doesn't ask you to give up all you love, just to let go of what is holding you back. As scary as it may seem, I promise you that someday you will be able to look back....maybe 10 years later as I am doing, and say "Thank you", to the One who brings your feet to higher ground.

"One thing I do....forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13