Lead Me To the Cross

Well, here I am. Trying to get back on my feet with this blog. I used to be so good at posting every week. I guess you all needed less to read!! Can you keep up with these postings a little easier?

I'm in a growing place, raw and ready. I feel like the rubble has been stripped away, the dead limbs destroyed, leaving only roots that are ready for growth. It's not an easy place to be, that's for sure. However, I know it could be much worse and it's just part of what I have to go through to get back into the light of the Son. After all, I am the one who allowed myself to get to such a place of sinfulness and distance from God. Day by day, step by step, I'm drawing closer to the Almighty, to the foot of His throne. I came upon this song when I was expanding my playlist and trying to work up some inspiration of what to write about today. It is such a beautiful song that I am simply going to leave my posting at that today. Let you listen to the song and ponder the words. My favorite line is "where Your love poured out". It makes me imagine being at the foot of the cross, being blanketed by His love and forgiveness. Praying you will feel His love blanketing you as well!

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemption's hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

Leave the Scar

Scars. We all have them. They serve a purpose. A good purpose. I looked up the definition of scar and I found this - "scarring is a natural part of the healing process." Simple yet so very true and it applies to our physical lives as well as our spiritual lives. I'll give you some examples of my scars and what they mean to me. I have a small scar on the index finger of my right hand. It's where the dog bit me when I tried to pick up a dish that he wasn't done eating from. The scar serves as a reminder....don't put your hand near a dog's mouth when food is involved!! I have a two inch scar on my right foot where I had a bunion removed. This scar reminds me that I no longer have to struggle to find shoes that fit right. It also reminds me of my grandmother who gave me the awful bunion to begin with! Thanks grandma!! I have an even larger scar on my belly, right at a bikini line - if I could wear a bikini that is!! This scar reminds me of the two c-sections I had to deliver my beautiful children and the challenging pregnancies that God brought me through.

Each of these scars has a memory, lessons, and reminders of the wound that once was there. However, as time moved on, the pain of the wound subsided, the tissues began to heal and strengthen, and all that was left was a mark. I don't mind the mark. It reminds me of things I've been through. Each scar helps me see that wounds do heal with patience and time. Each scar makes me who I am. It is a way in which I could be identified if ever I was lost some day. My scars make me unique. Now let's talk a little about emotional scars.

This past Sunday I went to church. That may seem like an uneventful thing for many of you who attend church every Sunday, as I used to do. For me, it was monumental. See, I hadn't stepped foot in a church since the day Ray and I separated. I don't think I realized just how much I had pushed away from my God. Until I walked in those doors. The pain hit me like a heavy brick wall. The tears welled up. The memories flooded back of coming to church as a family on Sunday mornings. I sat down and attempted to will myself to remain calm and collected in this place that used to be like a second home for me. I could feel Satan weighing down on me, telling me things like, "You don't belong here anymore" and "look at those happy couples. You don't have anything close to that. You never did." I finally could take it no longer and I escaped to the lobby where I sat down to read a book and wait for the friend that I had rode with to church. It was useless. The tears were like a fountain overflowing. Sometimes I get that way. Once they start, they just don't want to stop. I put my book away and walked toward the nursery knowing that a friend of mine often worked there during the 11 Am service. I didn't find her, but the woman who works with her, pulled me aside and began to simply listen. Amazingly I didn't even ask her to! She just wanted to. She knew I was hurting. She knew I needed someone to understand. To feel the pain. To know why I couldn't bring myself to even sit in church just yet. I am grateful for her. Though I didn't know her well, God placed her there for a reason. She took me to the prayer room where two more women sat, praying together. These women are part of what is called a "Life Recovery Group". They knew I was hurting, because they've been hurt too. They knew I was struggling and angry, they've felt those things too. They knew most of all I needed recovery and healing. So I agreed to attend the Friday night groups, a counseling session of sorts. Don't get me wrong, I didn't agree to all this willingly! I was fighting it tooth and nail, as stubborn as I am. Sometimes when we are in pain we just want to give up and stay where we are. Yet God asks us to fight. He calls us to fight. Just like after my c-section I had to get up and move as soon as possible to promote healing. I need to get up and move, promote the healing of my soul, the healing of my family.

Sigh.......I apologize that this is a lengthy post. A lot of lessons came to me today as I mopped my floors! LOL I had to share the progress God is making with my heart and soul. Slow and steady wins the race. I'm not on a sprint, I'm in a marathon. I am taking it one day at a time, one step at a time, and am making effort to healing. I just pray that when all is said and done, the scar that is left will remind me of the merciful God that got me through it all!!! Here is a song to share that very thing. I didn't find it on playlist.com but you can find it on youtube I'm sure.


Heal the Wound - Point of Grace

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

The Year of the Battle

As I sat last night and watched the ball drop, my mind thought back over the past year and all that it entailed. The only word that kept coming to mind to sum it all up was "Battle". This year has been a battle on so many fronts for me. I've fought hard, been battered and bruised, and am worn out from all the arrows that have been thrown my way. Quite frankly I am relieved to have the year over and done with. My finances hit their all time low, my depression plummeted to the lowest depths it has ever been, and the next thing I knew, my marriage was ending. I have felt at times as if Satan came along and ripped the rug out from under me, sending my world spiraling out of control. I think of the times that I used to look at my life and smile at how well things were going. However, always, always waiting for the 'other shoe to drop' as it so often has done in my life. Well 2009 was a big shoe and it has dropped.

In response, all I have to say is, Satan has not won. This battle may rage on in my heart and soul as I still fight the powers of evil that try to bring me down every day. However, they will never win. I will always and forever hold on to the hand of my sweet Savior. I know He is there and He is guiding me to higher ground as we speak. I long for that ground. To feel the breeze in my hair once again. To feel the sunlight hit my face as it warms me up and brings me comfort and rest. The days of living my life footloose and fancy free are gone for now and have been replaced with challenges and strife. My heart knows that He longs to place my feet on solid ground and that He is getting me there one step and one day at a time. I am confident that 2010 will bring me closer to that goal. Each step, each day, I feel myself drawing closer to where I need to be and further from where the evil one taunts me and tries to bring me down.

In the meantime, a dear friend has reminded me that it's ok for me to hurt, cry, get angry, feel pain, and grieve the loss of the life I once had. These are all feelings and emotions that God feels with me and He understands why I am struggling right now. No matter what, I am His child and He longs to hold me. Growing up I used to listen to the following song quite often as my parents would play it in the car. I never quite understood the lyrics back then to the extent that I do now. I think He was hiding His words in my heart so that I might remember that He is always there for His children. May the words bless you and bring you comfort as they have for me. Be patient with me, I'm still healing. In time, my friends, in time. I will soon return to the Julie you know and love. For now, I'm facing battles and just need to head on home to heal. This song is on my playlist for you to listen to.

The Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child

God bless you and be with you into the coming year.  I pray we all feel His loving arms around us in every
 battle we may face.