.JPG)
I welcome the start of Autumn with a new sense of hope. The summer of 2009 was far from my favorite....many of you have heard me say, "I'm ready for 2010. I don't like 2009!" It has been a challenge, that's for sure. However, I won't write off the whole year as a loss because it has brought us much growth and learning along with all the painful changes we have been through.
With challenges and every test of my faith, I found myself often pulling away from the God I usually cling to with all my might. Satan whispered lies in my ear all along the way. "You're not going to find a job. Nobody wants to hire you when you've been home for so long." "You're not going to get through this depression. It's a sign that the medication isn't going to work for you anymore. You're stuck feeling miserable." "God doesn't love you. He isn't going to provide for you. Why bother praying?" As the lies and deceit filled my heart and mind, I began to drift further away from the "Lifeguard Stand" as my pastor put it so clearly in a sermon. He explained that when they take their kids to the beach, they tell them to stay as close to the lifeguard stand as possible. When they are in the water, if they ever get to a point where they find they are drifting too far from the lifeguard, they need to get out of the water, walk up the beach, and get back in the water directly in front of his stand.
My summer was so full of strong currents and tides going in and out that attempted to pull me further and further away from the lifeguard stand. Satan used one battle after another to weaken me so that I couldn't fight the pull of his grip as well. Time and time again I would find myself drifting away from the place of safety. Every time I would see this, I had to physically remove myself from the flow of life, place myself at the foot of His throne, and refocus my gaze on Him before I dove back in. As you can imagine, this got exhausting after awhile. For that reason, when the largest blow of the summer hit, Ray's diagnosis of bipolar 2 disorder, Satan completely pulled me under water. As I flailed around, feeling as if I was drowning in this new challenge that seemed larger than life, I searched for the hand of someone to pull me to shore. Family and friends can certainly help support me, but they don't have the tools that my lifeguard does. Before I knew it, a life preserver was tossed my way. Why wasn't He getting into the water and carrying me out? Why wasn't He rescuing us from our troubles by taking them away? Why was I still in the water? Why was I now facing one of the biggest challenges I could imagine....a toxic disorder that is poisoning the mind of the man I love and causing so many obstacles in our marriage? I was still struggling because I refused to accept the help He had offered. The life preserver was right in front of me all along, but I had to grab on and hold on. I had to willingly participate in this rescue. Stop flailing, stop doubting, stop questioning, and just trust HIM!! Why it took me so long to do so, I never can understand! I think I'm a bit stubborn. What do you think?
Today, this first day of September, is a gorgeous day. It's my mom's 60th birthday, the welcoming of the new school year, the ending of the difficult summer, and the start of new possibilities. I am choosing today to have faith, to have hope, and live in the peace that only His loving hand can bring. I have attached the lyrics to my song for the day, #34 on my playlist. It's one of those songs that I can turn on and no matter how overwhelmed I feel, my soul is instantly at peace. True peace that passes all understanding. I hope it brings you peace today as well.
How deep the Father's love for us,With challenges and every test of my faith, I found myself often pulling away from the God I usually cling to with all my might. Satan whispered lies in my ear all along the way. "You're not going to find a job. Nobody wants to hire you when you've been home for so long." "You're not going to get through this depression. It's a sign that the medication isn't going to work for you anymore. You're stuck feeling miserable." "God doesn't love you. He isn't going to provide for you. Why bother praying?" As the lies and deceit filled my heart and mind, I began to drift further away from the "Lifeguard Stand" as my pastor put it so clearly in a sermon. He explained that when they take their kids to the beach, they tell them to stay as close to the lifeguard stand as possible. When they are in the water, if they ever get to a point where they find they are drifting too far from the lifeguard, they need to get out of the water, walk up the beach, and get back in the water directly in front of his stand.
My summer was so full of strong currents and tides going in and out that attempted to pull me further and further away from the lifeguard stand. Satan used one battle after another to weaken me so that I couldn't fight the pull of his grip as well. Time and time again I would find myself drifting away from the place of safety. Every time I would see this, I had to physically remove myself from the flow of life, place myself at the foot of His throne, and refocus my gaze on Him before I dove back in. As you can imagine, this got exhausting after awhile. For that reason, when the largest blow of the summer hit, Ray's diagnosis of bipolar 2 disorder, Satan completely pulled me under water. As I flailed around, feeling as if I was drowning in this new challenge that seemed larger than life, I searched for the hand of someone to pull me to shore. Family and friends can certainly help support me, but they don't have the tools that my lifeguard does. Before I knew it, a life preserver was tossed my way. Why wasn't He getting into the water and carrying me out? Why wasn't He rescuing us from our troubles by taking them away? Why was I still in the water? Why was I now facing one of the biggest challenges I could imagine....a toxic disorder that is poisoning the mind of the man I love and causing so many obstacles in our marriage? I was still struggling because I refused to accept the help He had offered. The life preserver was right in front of me all along, but I had to grab on and hold on. I had to willingly participate in this rescue. Stop flailing, stop doubting, stop questioning, and just trust HIM!! Why it took me so long to do so, I never can understand! I think I'm a bit stubborn. What do you think?
Today, this first day of September, is a gorgeous day. It's my mom's 60th birthday, the welcoming of the new school year, the ending of the difficult summer, and the start of new possibilities. I am choosing today to have faith, to have hope, and live in the peace that only His loving hand can bring. I have attached the lyrics to my song for the day, #34 on my playlist. It's one of those songs that I can turn on and no matter how overwhelmed I feel, my soul is instantly at peace. True peace that passes all understanding. I hope it brings you peace today as well.
How Deep The Father's Love For Us
Stuart Townend
Stuart Townend
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
