Love them like Jesus

Summer of 2009....who knew the changes it would bring for our family? This is a challenging post for me to write, thus why I have avoided my blog entirely for quite awhile now. I hardly even know where to begin. So I guess I will just write and hope that the words come from the Holy Spirit that resides in my heart and soul.

The summer ended and with it we carried over many pains from the summer months. Though most of you are probably not aware, Ray and I have been experiencing some significant challenges in our marriage that have led to our separation. How long have we had these problems? What happened to the happy couple everyone saw from the outside? When did things change so significantly? All good questions, that many of you have asked us, however, even Ray and I struggle to answer them specifically. Here is what I can tell you.

You all are aware that I struggle with severe depression that has been with me for most of my life. My medications were changed and adjusted, and are now finally back to being balanced and doing their job. "Normal" Julie has returned and I am feeling a lot better in that area. This summer was also a mental health challenge for Ray. He was diagnosed as having bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified). Basically the NOS part means his mood changes and cycling don't fit a pattern enough to be identified with the typical bipolar mood cycles. I think it's a nice fancy psychiatric term for "we don't know". A little humor always helps in these times. Forgive me for the occasional sarcasm!

What does this have to do with our separation? Well, both of these mental health issues combined created the very problems that challenged the strength of our marriage. Essentially, the manic episodes Ray suffered, brought on arguments that pushed me further into depression. To compound the issue, my depression and existing trust issues, caused me to build up walls around myself and between Ray and I. Thus, I was able to forgive him, he could forgive me, for whatever arguments we may have had, but the wall remained in my heart, making it virtually impossible for us to reconnect and mend any damage. I know that this issue is one that I have to explore more in therapy and I am intending to do so. I need to understand more fully why I build walls, how to get those walls down, and how to prevent them from being a permanent fixture in certain relationships. Walls such as these keep me from letting Ray in, letting myself trust him, and essentially loving him in the way that I need to as his spouse. I simply put myself in a cocoon, surrounding my heart with a thick barrier of protection that doesn't allow anything that I conclude as potentially "harmful" or "toxic" to penetrate. This, my friends, is more of a challenge than it sounds to be and will most likely be a lifelong issue that I will face and learn how to deal with. Unfairly, even though Ray has been working on seeking the essential treatment for his bipolar, my heart is unable to let him back in and give him the chance that he deserves to make things right. As we discussed this "toxic" situation we are in, we were able to conclude that these issues simply will not be resolved overnight. We will both always have these mental health struggles and need to ensure that we are both in the healthiest environment possible in order for us to heal, learn how to deal, and be the best parents we can be regardless of whatever circumstances we are in. It is very truthfully not healthy for the children, or Ray and I, to live daily with the conflict that our issues created. Children need a nurturing, positive atmosphere to grow up in, and sometimes that can only be achieved while parents are living in separate households. We are both fully aware that this is not the way "God plans" for things to go. This may not be His design for our relationship or what He intended for us from the start, but it is the only way we know to go right now. However, we stand confident knowing that He is able to use any circumstance for His glory and we can learn so much if we keep our focus on Him throughout the whole ordeal.

Where do we go from here? Not quite sure the answer to that question any more than I am sure where my life, or anyone's life, will be a year from now. I can say that for the first time in a long long time, I feel a sense of peace in my heart over the decision for Ray and I to separate. Removing ourselves from the tension and toxicity that plagued us for so long, is allowing us to focus on ourselves and on the kids, rather than perpetuating the vicious cycle of conflict that had overwhelmed us up until this day.

What can you do for us? You can pray. You can listen. You can be there. As the song on my playlist says, you simply need to "Love us like Jesus". Carry us to Him. Help us see His plan for our lives. Help us know where to go from here. Try not to judge. Try not to solve our problems. Simply love. That is what I believe Jesus would do for us if He were physically here today. Thank you to so many of you that have already shown us that love and have been there to be a listening ear or encouraging voice. We appreciate that support more than you know and it makes such a difference to us, even if we don't always show it. If you haven't heard the song, I encourage you to take a listen. The words are so powerful to me in that they remind me when someone is facing a life challenge such as this, sometimes saying "all I can do is pray", is the absolute best and ONLY thing to say.