Dusting off my roots

I sat down today at my computer to work on my budget, check facebook, etc. Next thing I knew I found myself reading over some of these old postings that I had written on here. Where on earth did that girl go? What has happened to her? Then it hit me... I went into my bedroom and found the reason I felt that a big part of me has been missing. It's always been there, it's just been a little quiet for the past 2 years. I picked up my bible and an unfinished Beth Moore study and decided once and for all that I was going to get back into the word to find that girl again. The one who lived with such passion for the Lord that I couldn't help but share it with others. When I looked down at my bible it all came so hugely clear to me. My bible had DUST on it. Oh dear....NOT a good sign!! I chuckled a bit but also was saddened too. In the past I had always been so fervently in the word that this precious book didn't sit still long enough to gather dust. However, in the midst of some heavy trials of my life, I have let it go to the wayside. I've pushed it away a bit even. Well today is a new day. He has opened the eyes of my heart enough to see the dust on the roots of my soul. He's begging me to come to Him and listen daily, as I always used to do. Not just to believe in Him, but to Believe Him. Believe what He says, believe His promises. How I live is so important to me that I am going to stick to this decision to be stronger in the word again. I know without a doubt that this will bring back that girl I once knew. Take a minute to listen to the song on my playlist at the bottom of the page called "How You Live". It is a great song to remind us of what truly matters in life. Dust off those pages guys....there's so much valuable stuff in that book!!!

How the Years Go By!

I helped a dear friend move in to her new place this weekend....made me feel a little old since I used to be her babysitter from the time she was 3 and she's now 24! How the years have flown! As we unpacked boxes and shared memories of her childhood, it brought me back to the very time that I moved myself down to Maryland to start my new life. I was filled with so many emotions, as I know Connie is as well. Excitement mixed with fear, apprehension mixed with knowledge of possibilities, and joy mixed with sadness. I had walked away from the only place I ever knew and entered a whole new world all by myself. What on earth was I thinking?? That went through my mind on more than one occassion. I clearly remember going through a box of tissues every weekend as I longed to go back to the place that was filled with so much comfort and familiarity. At the same time though, I was grateful for a chance at a new life, a chance to get past those old hurts of my childhood. A chance for me to become who God was longing for me to become. A chance for me to be all that He wanted me to be. At the time, 12 long years ago, I had no idea where the road would lead for me. Looking back today, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God brought me here with good reason. Many many good reasons. To name a few....starting my career as a teacher, developing the future home of my family- my mother and sister, meeting the father of my two beautiful children, and finally finding the job I've waited so long for. I know some of my fellow co-workers may find it hard to believe that I'm in the job of my dreams, but once you've experienced life in other places and different jobs, you'll know what I mean. Don't get me wrong, I did not come to this place easily. There were many bumps in the road, twists and turns, some more painful than others. Yet as I said 12 years ago when I sat down to plead with the Lord to take me back home, I will say the same today, "Father do not remove this thorn from my flesh for it is there for a reason." Even though moving was so bittersweet and often felt like a thorn in my side, it was the best thing that ever happened to me as it has brought me so many blessings in life.

So, Connie, as you deal with moving from those you love so much, just remember that you are here for a reason. You will make it through. Focus on becoming the woman that you are meant to be and strive towards the goal that God has placed in front of you. You are a strong woman and I know you will be able to find the joy in every blessing that comes your way. Take a listen to the song on my playlist called "Moving On", by Rascal Flatts. It was my theme song when I left Syracuse and still makes me smile to this day. Love you sweetheart!!

Revisiting the Blog world!

Well, I've been absent for awhile now so I thought I should get this started up again. I love having the opportunity to share the things I am learning and also to look back on the things that I have shared in the past. It's a reminder to me of the heart for the Lord that I want to continually strive for.

This morning I dove back into my devotional on mercy. Amazing how the lesson is so closely tailored to what I needed to hear. Here is a snip of what I read....

".....when I come to the Lord after I've blown it, I've only one argument to make.

It's not the argument of the difficulty of the enviroment that I am in.

It's not the argument of the difficult people that I'm near.

It's not the argument of good intentions that were thwarted in some way.

I come to the Lord with only one appeal, HIS MERCY.

I've no other defense.

I've no other standing.

I've no other hope."

-Whiter than Snow, Paul David Tripp

So often when I screw up, whether it be in the eyes of the Lord or the eyes of man, I am quick to jump on the defense. I want to defend my reason for doing what I did. I want to make excuses for myself. I want to be right!!! However, what is more important is that we recognize our downfalls and challenges and try to turn them into the righteousness that God desires in our lives. He doesn't want to hear my excuses or ramblings any more than the people in my life do. He wants me to come to Him humbly in realization that I NEED His Mercy!!!

This morning as I reflect on a discussion I had with a very precious person in my life, I think of how I was in the position of needing his mercy as well. I messed up. I overreacted......such a simple sin...but sin nonetheless. My sin caused hurt, embarrassment, and strife. So I appealed to the mercy of this person in hopes of finding forgiveness, which he granted. I did not deserve that forgiveness. I did not earn it. I had to ask for it, humbly, putting my pride aside, admitting I was wrong. He chose to grant forgiveness because he is a man of God and a man of integrity. Had I been in the same position with someone who did not have such mercy, I don't think things would have worked out so favorably for me.

Just as we need to request forgivess and hope for mercy from those around us, we need to do just that with our Lord and Savior. We also need to thank Him for his forgiveness, as we know it has been granted to us. Just as it tells us in Psalm 51:1, "According to your abundant mercy, blot out my transgressions." His mercy is abundant friends! This is good news! Doesn't mean we can throw caution into the wind and live a life of sin, riding on His mercy. It just means that in our journey of trying to live a righteous life, we can rely on the fact that His mercy will always be enough. No matter how much we screw up, His mercy is ABUNDANT!! It is overflowing. He waits to take us into His arms and wrap us in His mercy and love. We just need to come to Him. Approach the throne of grace my friends, it is overflowing with mercy!!

New every morning

The unexpected snow day brought along another delivery....my new devotional, "Whiter than Snow". I took some time to read the introduction to the book as I'm so excited to dive into my journey with Mercy. The very first page was the first to catch my eye,

"I have lived it and I know that it is true....Your mercies are new every morning!"

What a great reminder. When I go through this life and time and time again mess up in ways that I know to be sinful, I beat myself up so much. I ask myself why I can't seem to get it right. Why can't I live a life that is pure and blameless and holy in His eyes? Why is it so hard for me? The answer was right there on the first few pages of this book. I'm hoping the rest of the book speaks to me just as these words have. Maybe they will help you make sense of some things too....

"The characters of the Bible, even the ones we tend to think of as heroes, were broken and

flawed people. They, like us, were all sinners and , like us, needed to be rescued by God's

grace. 'Rescued from what?' you might ask. Just like us, they need to be

rescued from themselves......When you read about David and all the war between nations that surrounded David's reign, it would be tempting to think that David's biggest

enemy was the warring nation around him. But what this story (Psalm 51) demonstrates

is that David carried his most powerful enemy around with him.

The enemy is called sin." Paul David Tripp

Wow! No matter how many times I am reminded of the great enemy we have in sin, I am amazed at it's power over us. What is so important to remember though, is that God's mercy and grace triumph over our sin! He is there waiting for you with open arms, mercies new EVERY MORNING, forgiving and wiping the slate clean. I don't know about you but that relieves me of so much burden I had carried around from my past. Every morning God greets us with love and says, "Today is a new day. Let's live it to the fullest!" Just remember that, and live it for HIM!! Don't take His gift lightly. He paid for it with a heavy price. He gave the life of his own Son so that His mercies could wipe you clean as snow! Look at the snow outside and see how white it is. Your soul is that white and pure because of his mercy. Take it and rest sweet one!

I live to know You more!

"He has showed you what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8



Why would God want so much for us to love mercy? Thinking back on the definition, how could you not love someone being merciful towards you?! It's a gift of forgiveness, something we don't deserve but we get anyway. Why wouldn't I love that....oh wait....I get it. He wants us to love mercy and SHOW MERCY to others!! That must be the very reason he grouped these three words together in the verse.....justly...mercy...humbly. We are to consider others better than ourselves and deserving of our mercy. We are to be just and fair, while humbly reminding ourselves that it's not always about US! There is so much more to being a child of the Lord than just accepting the love, forgiveness, and acceptance He gives to us. It's about what we can give to others as well to show His love to all who may not know Him. Some people aren't so lucky to know the One we call Father and Friend. In order to help them draw nearer to Him, we need to show them what His love, justice, mercy, and humble heart look like. They need to see Him in us. Stick out from the crowd. Don't do things just like everyone else. Sometimes you may feel you stand alone as a believer....but remember that you stand on the solid rock of Christ.



Take some time and listen to the song on my playlist called "I Live to Know You More". It's a beautiful song that reminds us of why we are here on this earth, what our purpose. The best line that sums up the song is this...."Your kingdom is established as I live to know you more!" The kingdom of God doesn't just form on it's own. It comes from our example. We must live to serve Him, love Him, and Worship Him. This is the only way others will see Christ and His mercy through us and long to do the same! Make your life count!!

My Journey through Mercy

I am thrilled and waiting anxiously for the package that will be arriving in the mail for me in a few short weeks. I searched Amazon.com for books on Mercy to find a devotional dedicated to this topic since it is my word of the year. This is what I found. It's called "Whiter than Snow; reflections on sin and mercy". It's a devotioal that examines how David waited on God to feel His mercy and love in the midst of the sinfulness of his life. My hope is to spend the 52 days, one chapter a day, diving deeper and deeper into the concept of God's mercy. I have a feeling that I will find that I knew very little about the topic that I should have a detailed understanding of by now in my walk.

This morning in church we examined that topic by talking about how God does not want us to live our life with our regrets driving our thoughts and emotions. We all have things that we wish we did differently, but God wishes for us to go BEYOND our sin and mistakes to find the grace and MERCY He is extending to us. If we do that, our sin does not shape and define who we are, His love does. The pastor made the statement that our circumstances do not decide how much God loves us. His love for us extends beyond anything we can imagine.

Have you found your word for the year yet? I'm looking forward to exploring it further! Amazingly, it seems, wherever I go, God is illustrating His mercy to me left and right. It's so obvious that this is the word He desired me to explore for the year. I guess I am more in need of mercy than I realize! Aren't we all?!

One Word

I've been inspired by a fellow blog friend to take part in the "one word" exercise. I am to choose one word that I want to focus on for the year and learn as much as I can about it. After much thought and prayer, the word that keeps coming to me is "Mercy". My life for the past year and a half has been an uphill battle and I've gone down paths that I shouldn't have from time to time. When I went to church last Sunday, I truly felt the mercy of the Lord fall on me like a thick blanket. He wrapped it around my shoulders just as the father wrapped his cloak around the shoulders of his prodigal son. As I stood there and felt the weight of His mercy on me, I was overwhelmed at how amazing my God is. Even after all I've done, having known better, He was still there to receive me with open arms. All I had to do was open my ears to finally listen to what He had to say to me.....and He was there to speak. Did He yell at me? Did He get angry with me. No.....He showed me MERCY!

I looked up the definition of mercy online and this is what I found:

Mercy - Compassion or forbearance shown, especially to an offender or to one subject to

one's power; lenient or compassionate treatment; a blessing that is an act of divine

favor or compassion; compassionate treatment of those in distress.

So many rich words in that definition that spoke to my heart about the mercy of our Father. Even though I am "subject to His power", He makes the choice to show me compassion, favor, and forbearance. He blesses me with His love to show me how much He treasures me, rather than heaping on more guilt for the things I've done wrong. What I want to know is, how can you not run to a Father that is like that?!! What keeps you from Him? Is it fear of the Truth? Is it shame? Guilt? Guess what? None of that matters to Him. He longs so much to have you in His arms, in His presence, that He shoves aside all the junk and choses mercy in its place. What a wonderful God we serve!

My goal for the year is to find as many verses as I can about God's mercy and share them with you on here. For now, I started with music as it is such a passion for me. I hunted through songs that had to do with mercy and added a few to my playlist. The first one that hit me the most was "Mercy Said No" by Greg Long. Take a minute and listen to it. Hopefully it will speak to you as it did me. Rest in His mercy, sweet one. He longs for you to receive it.

My Bucket List

The weekend has brought me to a new place....yet a familiar place that I have been before. On my knees. I am finding myself before the Lord longing to be emptied so that I can be filled with Him. I need to cleanse myself of the sinful patterns I have gotten into in my life so that I can be made new in His grace. I changed my radio station this morning. A simple thing you may believe, but a big first step to cleansing my life and replacing things that can be toxic with things that are Holy and pure. I need to rid myself of the music that penetrates my mind and brings me to the life of partying and "misbehaving" so to speak! My next step was to return to church, where I can be fed through the Word and be guided back into the place my heart longs for again. As one of my favorite Twila Paris songs says, "Lead me back into the simple pleasure I once knew. I will rest here in the perfect worth of knowing YOU! I will delight my heart in You!" I want Him to saturate me with His presence and His life so that I may again find the simple joy of just knowing Him and loving Him.

So what's with the Bucket List title? The sermon this morning was on that very topic. The pastor talked about delighting ourselves in the Lord so that what we desire may be in line with what He desires for us. It also allows us to find the extraordinary in the ordinary. To find God in the simple everyday things of life. My favorite part was when the pastor said that some of the things on our bucket list of what we want to accomplish in life can be placed there in retrospect. Meaning that there are some experiences we have in life that we are so glad we were able to have before our lives are through. I feel that much of my bucket list of things I wanted to accomplish is just that. Items that were placed there in retrospect as I realize just how many blessings the Lord has given me. My list started out with the following:

Become a Teacher

Get married

Have a family

It has now evolved into this as I have added the things that I have been able to experience to this day:

Find the joy in seeing a child learn something for the first time

Watch as a child progresses, even in tiny baby steps, from not knowing something to

having it mastered!

Learn extremely valuable things about being a teacher from a multitude

of professionals who have traveled the road before I.

Knowing life was no longer about me the moment I felt my baby move inside me.

Watching my belly move, visibly, as the life inside me played kick boxing!

Laying on an operating table and seeing the nurse hold up my baby girl.

Seeing my husband sitting in the nursery at the hospital, rocking his firstborn child as he stared into her face, totally captivated.

Waking in the wee hours of the night to nurse my baby, knowing that my body is giving her nourishment and helping her grow....as she stares into my eyes.

Seeing my grandmother bond with my children on a daily basis as we had the priveledge of caring for her in her final years.

Taking notes on all the fun little phrases my little girl says as she grows and learns.

Seeing two little pink lines on a pregnancy test and knowing my family is growing just as I desired it would.

Spending 9 months wondering if the child I carried was a boy or a girl.

Being completely overjoyed and overwhelmed hearing my husband announce, "It's a boy!" as they pulled him from my belly.

The look on my son's face as he looked at his mommy for the first time. (I actually have this one captured in a photo!!)

Seeing my little girl hold her little brother for the first time and kiss him on the head.

Watching my daughter pretend to nurse her stuffed animals. (got that in a photo too!)

Hearing my daugter say, "Mommy it's gonna be ok. I still love you," as I cried tears over my marriage ending.

Buckling my little man into his carseat and having him look at me and say, "Mommy I love you a really lot!"

Asking Simon, "Who's mommy's little man?" and hearing him answer "ME!"

Hearing my daugther sing along to the song "Voice of Truth".

Rejoicing that my daughter asks if she can go to church on Sunday.

WHEW! I'm exhausted just writing all that! What a list! Can you imagine the things that will be added to it in years to come. Not to mention that I had no idea how many things would bring me such pure joy in my life. I didn't know....but God did. He knew my heart, he knew me. He knew just what experiences would make my bucket list. He made sure that each and every moment made it into my life, even some of the harder moments. Every experience I have had is filled with moments that I can't imagine not having as a part of my life. They are those mastercard "priceless" moments that make you stop and smile and say "Life is good". What's on your bucket list...in retrospect?

The Land Between

Finally the time has come for me to settle into a new church. My whole family has visited and liked it just as much as I did. The children's programs are wonderful, praise music just as I like, and the message was straight to the heart. Yesterday the message was about the Land Between. In Exodus 3:15-22, Moses is completely exhausted with the Israelites as they moan and complain about the manna they must eat morning, noon, and night. They are stuck in the desert, in between their slave days of Egypt and the glorious promise land that awaits them. Moses goes to the Lord and begs for Him to relieve the burden that has been placed on his shoulders to lead these people. The pastor brought this home for all of us by showing us how the Land Between can often bring out the worst in people. Imagine living day in and day out for 40 years having to eat this bland and tasteless food that rained from the sky. Some of us may respond by saying the Israelites should have been grateful for what was provided. However, I challenge you to take a minute as I did and think about that time in your life, possibly now, when you moaned to the Lord, "I just can't bear this anymore. I can't take it anymore! I can't stand being in this place!" I know that for me, my Land Between is now. I am stuck in the middle, having left the bondage of an unhealthy marriage and headed for the promises that God has waiting for me. In the meantime though, I must wait. I must be alone and lonely for a time while God prepares me to accept those things He has waiting. It's not an easy place to be. It is often hard to look around me at those who have made it to their promise land.....happy with their loved one, building a family and a future. This was, after all, my dream. To be happily married, parenting my children in a healthy family environment. Not sending them off to spend time with each parent seperately, watching my son cry "Mommy!" all the way to daddy's car. Some days I cry out as Moses did, "Lord this is too much to bear! I can't carry it anymore!" Sitting alone on a quiet weekend, with no significant other to share my heart with, I cry to Him, "When will the end of this desert come, Lord?" As always, He answers back to me that I simply need to wait. Wait and listen to Him.

See, as the pastor also pointed out, The Land Between, wherever that may be, can also be a time of God's discipline in our lives. In the book "The Land Between" by Jeff Manion he says it this way, "I firmly believe that the Land Between- that space where we feel lost or lonely or deeply hurt- is fertile ground for our spiritual transformation and for God's grace to be revealed in magnificent ways." WOW! Couldn't have been put any better! God wanted Moses and his people to be transformed and renewed before they were ready to receive the gifts He had waiting for them. Sadly, they never even got to the promised land. They died in the desert and never were able to see their descendents find the promised land and bask in it's wonderful glory. In each of our lives, I believe God has a promised land. A place you are longing for that only He can bring you to. He knows the way and will reveal it to you. In the meantime, we wander in the Land Between, learning to trust Him, learning to honor Him, and learning to obey Him.

The song I have found fits this story the best is on my playlist and is called "You Said". It talks about the fact that if we ask we will receive whatever we need. I don't know about you, but I'm going to try and learn from the Israelites mistake and make sure that complaint is not taking up residence in my life. Trust is what resides in me and will for my time in the Land Between.

Somewhere in The Middle

As we enter into the new year, I look back on this year and think about what God has done in my life and in my heart. I searched for a song to help define this and found just the perfect one...as always!! It's on my playlist and it's called "Somewhere In the Middle" by Casting Crowns. It really is where I feel that I end up right now in my life. Let me use some of the lyrics and some of my own words to help make it clearer what the middle really is.

Somewhere between who I was and who I used to be

Somwhere between right and wrong...but far from the wrongs I allowed myself to live

Somewhere between rejoicing and repairing my heart and life

Somewhere between the darkness and the light

Somewhere between being hot and cold for my Savior...coming back into where He longs for me to be

Somewhere between perfect and a work in progress

Somewhere between happily ever after and new beginnings

Somwhere in the middle is where I am and where I shall stay while my Savior works to make me new again!

This middle ground is not a bad place to be, it's not a mediocre land. It's an "on my way" place. I may not be perfect, I may not be complete, I may not be on fire as I once was....but it will all come to pass when the time is right. I am in a season in my life of being in the middle. It's the comfortable place for me to heal. It gives me time, it gives me patience, and it gives me grace. The kind of grace only God can give when He knows we need to rebuild. Rome wasn't built in a day! Only God could form the earth in 7 days....and even He needed rest on that last day! I'm resting in the middle, taking time to breathe. Soon I will find myself rebuilt, renewed, and starting again. In the mean time, I am giving myself a little credit for making it as far as I have without completely breaking away. I haven't lost sight of the true prize, the light at the end of the tunnel. I may have only had faith as small as a mustard seed at times but it has always been there. Now as that seed of faith grows again, I find myself here, in the middle....on my way!