Never Forgotten

Seven years ago on this very day, one of my dearest friends left us as a result of a tragic accident and joined our heavenly Father in paradise. I am amazed that so much time has passed and I can still remember the details of Andrea's final days so well. I wanted to take the opportunity today to honor her memory and remind her loved ones that she will forever hold a special place in my heart. I have added two songs on my playlist that remind me of Andrea every time I hear them. The first is called "Holes in the Floor of Heaven." This song played on the radio in my car the day I returned to work after saying my final goodbye to my dear friend at the hospital. I cried tears of joy knowing she would finally be at peace after her 10 day battle for life, but tears of sadness knowing there would be so much she would miss out on, dying at the tender age of 24. Every time I hear that song, I am now comforted knowing that she is far from missing out on anything as she is in the awesome presence of our Almighty Father.

Though I know Andrea is right where she needs to be, and that we will join her one day, I still have moments when I wish she were here to experience something with me. For that reason, the second song that brings her to my mind is "Who you'd be today" by Kenny Chesney. Though some may see it as a sad song, talking about the things that Andrea does not get to experience, I have found a different take on it to be more comforting. I like to listen to each stage of the song and imagine the things that Andrea would be doing if she were still here. It's almost as if she still gets to live those moments in my heart as I imagine her the way she was. Here are a few of those moments that I have enjoyed over the past few years. I wrote it as somewhat of a letter to Andrea....

When I went on my first date with Ray,
returning home all aglow with that
"I met the man I'm gonna marry" giddy feeling,
I smiled when I thought of you.
I imagined we would talk the evening away,
almost like bringing to life the pages of the romance novels
you so often buried your nose in. I laughed as I thought of how we would
have planned the details of my wedding before a ring was even
slipped on my finger. You would have loved him, I thought.
You would have loved him.
That's who you'd be that day!

When I finally reached that day, preparing to walk down the aisle,
I smiled when I thought of you.
I imagined you helping me with my makeup,
trying to make me look "sexy",as you so loved to do!
"Come out of your shell and be proud of who you are,"
you would tell me.
You were never intimidated by people glancing your way.
You would have smiled when you saw me
ready to walk proudly to my groom,
confident for once in my life, that I was actually beautiful.
You would have smiled when you saw your little girl, Arianna,
her little white gown and basket of petals, sprinkling them down the aisle.
You would have laughed that old belly laugh as Ari stopped midway
down the aisle, dumped her remaining petals, and went to her Nana.
"That's my girl!" you'd say, so amused yet so proud.
That's who you'd be that day!

When I met my baby girl for the first time, saw her gorgeous face,
I thought of you. I thought of the mommy that you were,
how much you loved your babies and
wanted so much to do whatever you could to take care of them.
I imagined your smile when I told you her name,
Sadie Andrea, in honor of you!
I thought of the tear of joy your would have cried,
amazed that someone would have ever wish to carry on your name.
You never thought as highly of yourself, never saw yourself
in the light I saw you.
You would have known at that moment
what your friendship meant to me.
That's who you'd be, that day!

When I have those days where I just want to kick back,
relax, and laugh with a good friend, I think of you.
I imagine we would go out for a girls night, sing along to the radio,
and dance the night away forgetting our daily struggles.
I imagine we would come back to my house, you would throw jokes
at Ray, and we'd all laugh a little more.
I imagine your laugh, that I heard so often.
I miss the way it would ring off the walls,
and your smile that would light up your eyes.
I imagine how your eyes must light up now, for eternity,
as you bask in the eternal love your savior has for you.
I imagine your insecurities, gone forever.
I imagine your longing for love, fulfilled completely.
I imagine your hurts of life, melted away by the one who heals all wounds.
I imagine your awe and wonder, at the One who sits before you on the throne.
I imagine your gratitude, that He can love you with such a deep and
never ending love like you never imagined.
That's who you'd be today!

Though you have gone from this world, you are never forgotten. I have to laugh every time Sadie gets into trouble, when I speak her middle name and think, "How appropriate!" How ironic it is that your name comes forth when this little girl gets into trouble....a true reflection of the troublemaker you always were! Though I miss our days together, I look forward to the days we will spend in the presence of the One who gives us the perfect love we always dreamed of! I love you my dear friend and can't wait to see you again!

As you listen to the last two songs on my playlist, that I have added for Andrea, I ask that you say a prayer for Ari. I praise God continuously for the never ending love Joann and Morrie have poured out on their grand-daughter. They have done a phenomenal job of caring for this energetic little girl and will always hold a special place in my heart. Pray for continued peace for the family in the challenging arrangement they have. Most of all, pray for Andrea's joy and laughter to stay alive in Ari so that she can live out some of the dreams her mom never got to accomplish. I can think of nothing more that Andrea would have wanted.

To the one I love

All of my life I longed to find a man who could spend the years with me. Someone who could help me to grow and become a better person. Someone who I could have a family with and grow old with. On December 14, 2002, I met that person. Two weeks from that day, we knew that God had designed us for each other. Scary, but true! Within 6 months time we were engaged and married a year later. There was so much we knew we wanted in a spouse and we were amazed to find that, and more, in each other. However, in light of all we knew about each other, we would quickly learn there was so much we did not know....

We didn't know, then, that God had designed me to encourage Ray
to step out in faith and explore new career options.
We didn't know, the day Ray left his management job,
without another job to fall back on, that another job would be provided.
We didn't know then, but we know now, that this leap of faith
is the very thing that would lead Ray into sales, the field of work he is best at.

We didn't know, then, that our decision to start a family,
would lead us on one of the rockiest years we had experienced.
We didn't know, then, when I was diagnosed with placenta previa,
that the baby girl I carried wouldn't be born early or experience complications.
We didn't know then, but we know now, that God would
carry me through 8 months of pregnancy without a single complication.

We didn't know, then, that when our rent was raised beyond what we could afford,
God was opening up the door for another opportunity.
We didn't know, then, that when we decided to look for a house to rent
with my mom, we would take a chance and apply for a mortgage.
We didn't know, then, that 2 weeks later we would be signing
the papers to purchase our very first home.

We didn't know, then, that we found this house just in the nick
of time as our growing family would expand.
We didn't know, then, the day we found this home,
I was already carrying our second child.
We didn't know, then, but we know now,
that 9 months later, daddy would be the first
to announce to the world, "It's a boy!", as we welcomed our little man.

We didn't know, then, that when God designed our family to all live together,
He was providing valuable opportunities for us to spend time
with mom and grandma.
We didn't know, then, that living together would provide
grandma with unending joy in seeing 2 of her
great grandchildren grow on a daily basis.
We didn't know, then, but we know now, what a gift it was
to have grandma spend her last year of her earthly life
in the home she helped to provide for us.

We didn't know, then, that after 5 short years of marriage,
we would have a home, two children, and a great mom to experience it all with us.
We didn't know, then, but we know now, this is EXACTLY the life we longed for.

Amazing the things that time can uncover and teach you. For me, what I didn't know then, was how truly wonderful this man would be. That he would see me through some very difficult times and stay by my side regardless. I didn't know, then, that he would continue to encourage me as a teacher until I decided to go back into teaching. I didn't know then, that not only would he love our children unconditionally, he would be a great father and cherish every minute with them.
I didn't know, then, but I know now, that as each day passes I grow to love him more and more. Happy Father's Day to the one I love! Our children are truly blessed to have you as a daddy and I am truly blessed to have you as a partner in raising them. I dedicate the song, "Then" by Brad Paisley, the last one on my playlist to you today. It's truly a great reflection of the things we have learned through our few years together.

The One that matters

I've had several people ask me how I'm doing as a result of my last blog posting so I thought I better provide an update. I also wanted to take the opportunity to explain a little bit about this depression that I deal with.

Before I was ever diagnosed with depression, I characterized it as someone who was sad and cried all the time, found it hard to function, and spent a lot of time sleeping. I was surprised to learn that the face of depression has many different characteristics. While the things I described can be part of depression for some people, it isn't always the case and there is so much more that goes along with it. The best way I have found to explain what I deal with is that there is a little monster who lives in my head. Don't worry, I'm not hearing voices! This little monster is called depression. He fills my mind with negative thoughts, discourages me, makes me feel worth very little, and convinces me that I am not a good wife, mother, or friend. He is not a very nice little guy, by any means!! When I feed that little monster his medicine every day, he gets much quieter! He doesn't go away as the medicine doesn't fix it all. However, he does get easier to manage and deal with. It levels my mood just enough to be able to tell him to back off and leave me alone! However, if that medicine is not working or I am not taking it at all, he goes right back to being the nasty little booger that he is.

After meeting with my doctor on Monday, my suspicion that the generic version of the medicine I am on was to blame, was confirmed. Even though generics are supposed to be the same as the name brand, research has shown that they may not work as well for some people. My doctor said that the best way to counteract this is to simply raise the dosage...fine by me! Have I considered not taking medication? You bet! I've tried this several times in the past as I wondered if I even needed it at all. However, I learned within months that the depression and anxiety return full force, even when everything in my life is going well. It's not a circumstantial depression, it's an inherited condition that has afflicted several members of my extended family in the past. I've dealt with well meaning individuals telling me I simply needed to "trust God" and that he could "heal me" of my depression. I've been told I simply need to find "joy in the Lord" and be grateful for the things He has provided. I understand these individuals mean well and their intentions are honorable, however, I also understand from my experience that depression is a REAL thing that needs treatment just as diabetes needs insulin.

I encourage you if you are going through this or have been through it to hang in there. Seek the treatment you need, talk about it, be honest with yourself, and take one day at a time. If you have never dealt with depression, Praise God!! However, I encourage you to be patient with those in your life that do. Embrace them for who they are and encourage them to get help or continue seeking help. Try not to assume that they are simply not "trusting God". I have entrusted my life to the Lord since I was a small child and continue to grow in my relationship with Him. Actually, this depression has brought me closer to Him, helping me learn to trust Him more!

I wanted to draw your attention to a song on my playlist....don't I always?! It's called Audience of One. I stumbled upon this song a few years ago when I purchased one of those "Wow" praise albums. It applies so well to my life as it reminds me every time I hear it to remember who my audience is. I don't live to please others, I live to please HIM. I don't seek the approval of others, I seek HIS approval. I don't need have every friend in the world to be important, I only need HIM.

I also wanted to add how much I appreciate so many of you reaching out to me in this past week. I seriously wrote this blog as a little journal for myself and really didn't think anyone would be interested in reading it. "Who cares about what I have to say?" I thought. See? That little monster had me convinced...."Nobody cares, Julie. You know nobody is going to read it!" Well, you all proved him, and me, wrong! I learned that when I seek the audience of the Lord, He makes sure to send out His followers to lift me up and encourage me. So thank you for the phone calls and emails to check in on me. It really made a difference and made me feel so much better to know that I have friends that care. Amy, thank you again for following the "nudge" of the spirit and stopping in with the flowers and card. The sweet fragrance of them has filled my living room to the point that it's the first thing I notice when I wake up in the morning, when I return home, and before I go to bed at night. How nice to have that reminder of friendship and caring hearts through the simple sweet smell of a pretty flower. Every time I pass by them and take a sniff, I smile and am reminded of the sweet success the Holy Spirit has had in defeating my little monster!

Don't forget to listen to the song! I'm sure you will love it too! I love to imagine myself seated before the Father saying those very words to Him. In a bible study I did not too long ago, we learned about the tabernacle that was built in exactly the way the Lord commanded it to be designed. The most intimate of places in the tabernacle is the Holy of Holies, where the ark of the covenant resided and the spirit of God was believed to reside. Nobody, not even the high priest, was allowed in this room, except on a few occasions. Even then, the room was filled with smoke as to cloud the view of the Holy One, from the eyes of man. When Jesus died on the cross, the veil that separated man from God in the temple, tore from top to bottom. What a great reminder that because of Jesus' love for us, we are no longer separated from God. It's as if we were given permission to crawl under the curtain, enter the holiest of places, and lay before the Almighty. He is your audience.....marvel and bask in His presence!

Blue skies are needed!

Most of you know by now that depression is something I have struggled with off an on throughout my entire life. Though this depression is managed by medication for the most part, I do have times here and there that things get a little off balance. Well....right now is one of those times for me. Most likely it is due to a recent change in my medication that has not been perfected. However, it could also be made a little more challenging by normal changes in my life. Transitioning from having one child to having two, working primarily from home and being responsible for my business, and the financial strain of both!! The biggest challenge I'm facing right now is battling lonliness. As I am primarily a stay at home mom, I don't have much opportunity to interact with others. I find it hard to get involved with other groups of stay at home moms because I don't stay home full time....I also work!! Since I run my own business, this responsibility makes it difficult to carve out time to spend outside of the house while still fulfilling my obligations. Stuck between a rock and a hard place...you can see!! Most of the friends I grew up with and went to college with are far away as we all scattered around the country once we graduated. Thus, the natural result of all of this is being alone at times. Most of the time I can handle this and welcome the opportunity to have peace and quiet and time to myself. However, when depression hits, lonliness makes it that much worse.

The song I have found to bring me some peace in these times of depression is "Blue Skies" by Point of Grace, #11 on my playlist at the bottom of the page. It reminds me that even when the clouds of depression surround me, I can rely on the light of the Son to bring my blue skies back. Even as I type this I must do it out of faith in Him, hope in His promises, and the love He surrounds me with. My feelings alone will not get me through it. They are the very thing that satan tries to use to pull me away from the cross. He never wins....he never wins! The light of the Son always shines through and moves me on to higher ground. Getting there is hard and tiring, but He always does!

Today I ask for prayer. I plead for comfort. I cry for peace. I hope that none of you have to struggle with this same thing, but please know if you do, that you are not alone. One of the things that has gotten me through these times in the past has been knowing that other people face depression too. We get through it with help and deal with it day by day. Some days the skies are more blue than others. Those are the days that carry us through to the other side. Thanks in advance for your prayers and for dealing with my moods during these times. I know for a fact that it is not easy and I appreciate your friendship regardless of where I am in my life. I need it so much more than you will ever know!

Word of God Speak

I mentioned not too long ago that I have recently begun the process of applying for teaching jobs. Coming from running my own business for the past 4 years, I had already expected it to take some time before I found anything. I'm back in that place....the place of waiting! You all know the place! I've been there plenty of times myself.....

Finally graduate from college!
Ready to join the world!
Apply for jobs.
Pray.....wait...pray....wait...repeat for 3 months

Settle into first job!
Meet with incredible challenges and adversity.
Search for new jobs.
Pray....wait.....pray.....wait...repeat for 2 years

Ready to find someone to share my life with!
Date.....date some more.....and some more.
Finally hand over decision to the Lord!
Pray.....wait.....pray...wait...repeat for 5 years.

Come face to face with the man I know I will marry!!
Amazed at God's design for me and for our lives!
Let God work in us to prepare us for each other.
Pray......wait...pray.....wait....repeat for 1 year.

Begin to grow our family!
Discover pregnancy is high risk.
Fear of losing baby girl, finances tight, outcome unknown.
Pray.....wait.....pray....wait....repeat for 9 months.

Discover we are in this for the long haul!
Realize how challenging life can be, even together!
Kids exhausting, money tight, jobs not predictable....the list goes on.
Pray...wait....pray...wait....repeat FOREVER!!

Just a little illustration of this thing called waiting!! I thought you might like that! I'm sure you all have your own examples you could fill in the blanks with. Whatever the situation may be, I'm sure you have learned the same thing I have. When we choose to live in line with God's will for our lives, things don't just appear out of thin air and land in our laps. There is a process involved in every decision that we make for our lives. We have to CHOOSE to desire God's will for us. We have to CHOOSE to pray for His guidance and direction. We have to CHOOSE to let the Holy Spirit help us discern the best choices to make. We have to CHOOSE to wait patiently for that answer to come. Most importantly, we have to CHOOSE to be still and quiet, listening for Him to speak to us. Sometimes that means we have to continue to wait for the answer for years and years, maybe the rest of our lives. However, the best part of all that waiting is that in the end we get to experience the richest blessings of our lives! I've found it to be true that the longer I have had to wait, the more wonderful the blessing! More importantly, I never forget the hand that provided that blessing to me in the first place!

My pastor once spoke about this and stated that, "waiting is one of the greatest exercises of faith we will ever experience." See, waiting isn't just hanging out until God gives us what we want. If we really wanted something, there are ways we could go and get it for ourselves. What we are waiting on is HIS plan, HIS providing, HIS gifts for us. Choosing to stop, pray, and let Him direct us, is a demonstration of how much faith we have in Him. I don't know about you, but I can speak for myself when I say that faith comes from experience. From believing in, trusting in, and following a God who cares for my every need and desire. As an old Michael Card song states, "To hear with my heart, to see with my soul, to be guided by a hand I can not hold. To trust in a way that I can not see. That's what faith must be!" Now I truly understand why that song is one of my mother's favorites. She lives this kind of faith filled life....I only hope I can too!

The song from my playlist today is called "Word of God Speak". It speaks to my heart so much about the importance of being still, quiet, and letting the word of the Lord fill in the silence. For those of you who know me, being quiet is a very difficult task in itself!!! As you face those times of waiting in the months to come, just remind yourself that for every minute, hour, and day that passes, your faith is growing that much more!!

Homecoming

This posting is dedicated in memory of Jeremy, who celebrates the one year anniversary of his Heavenly homecoming today.

Last year around this time, I was signing Sadie up for preschool at a local community center. While the director was giving me a tour, I spotted a poster that hung on the door, anchored with a pin and a blue ribbon. The poster asked for prayers, the picture of the precious baby boy tugging at my heart strings. I asked the director about it, wondering just who this little guy was. Her response took my breath away...he passed away two days ago, she told me. As I drove home I couldn't help but now notice all the blue ribbons tied up through town. The whole town was praying for this 6 month old baby.....how could something like this happen? When I got home I looked up the website that was posted on the flyer to see if there was anything I could do to help this family. Surprisingly, I found myself stuck to the computer for the next hour, reading entry after entry in this online journal of his battle for life. Two months of struggling to live, his little body fighting so hard against the infection that had taken over his heart. I could not fight the tears as I read the notes written by his mom and dad, their anguish in feeling his pain, while at the same time, counting on their faith in God to pull him through so they could bring him home.

As I turned off the computer, I looked at my little man, Simon, who was only 3 months old at the time. I couldn't fathom how a parent could walk into an ER expecting IV fluids for dehydration, to end up leaving the hospital 2 months later empty handed. How would I go on? How could I live without my precious baby? What would I do if something like that happened to Sadie or Simon.

Within the next few weeks, Jeremy's mom, Amy, began a blog to post her continuing battle with the grief of losing her son. I followed the blog, curious to see how she was going to carry on. The lessons that followed were unimaginable! Amy opened up her heart and soul to anyone who was willing to take the time and read about her journey through not only death, but life. Life after loss. Life day by day. Life with the Lord!

I wanted to take the opportunity today to honor Jeremy as well as Amy. Here are some of the things they have both taught me......

Life is short, eternal life is forever!
We want so badly to cling to the things of this earth with all our might,
in fear they will drift out of our grasp and we will lose them.
However, God reminds us that even though our lives here
are but a breath, our eternal life will never end! It is truly where we belong.

We are not in control, but thank God that He is!!
Oh, how hard it was for a mom to watch
her little helpless baby suffer
and not be able to take that pain away from him.
How hard it was for her
to let him go, when his time came.
How hard it is for her to give up the desire to control
her life and everything she holds dear! Take heart!
How wonderful it is that He is in ultimate control!
Hard to believe He's in control, when things such as this take place.
However, I've listened, watched, and learned through Amy
in this past year that He always wins. She has conquered the
enemy over and over again when he has attempted to steal her joy.
This only comes from a heart that worships the Father of all creation!
Thank you, Amy, for being a beacon of light, hope, and strength.

Sometimes we need to be broken to our core,
to be made new in Him!!
One of my favorite blog entries of Amy's
detailed her realization that she
was being made new in Christ.
Just as her wilting plant needed
her to dig up the bulb, break it in pieces,
and plant them again, Jesus
had to do that with her heart.
Through the suffering and pain she has experienced,
her inmost being has been broken, yet is
also growing in a new direction. She is facing the light of the Son,
looking to Him for her everything. That, my friends,
is the best lesson in life! Though I know from experience how
painful it is to be "broken to your core", I can also
testify to the amazing mercy and grace
that comes with being made new!

Life is a marathon, not a sprint!
Amy spoke in her postings many times about Jeremy running
a marathon, of sorts, as he fought for his life.
There were days that they spent
hours watching and waiting to see if he would pull through to
the next leg of the race. It got me thinking about how our
lives are also like a marathon but so often we
just want to sprint and get each stage over with. We face
an uphill battle, and rather than taking it slow, we attempt to
get it over with quick and painlessly.
Only finding then that our energy
and strength is spent on that first half of the hill.
We look up at what we have left to run and feel like giving up,
surrendering to the battle that has seemingly overcome us.
What we fail to notice is how much of the
battle we have already won!
Halfway up the hill means we are almost to the top!
We also fail to dip from the wellspring of God's strength
when we need it the most.
When you're running that marathon and are offered a drink
from the sidelines, take it!
When you feel like you just can't go on,
listen to the cheers of those on the sidelines,
telling you how great you are doing.
Most importantly, keep you eye on the finish line
and the One who stands to meet you there.
We are not meant to run this race alone,
He is our coach and trainer, after all!

As Amy and her family remember this day last year and struggle to get through the painful memories it may bring, I ask that you pray for them. Pray for their faith to be strengthened, their hope to endure, and their joy to overcome.

Amy, I thank you for the gift of your friendship and your open heart for all to learn from. Who knew when I saw that flyer a year ago I would end up not only making a new friend but also have my hope, faith, and joy in the Lord made new again through your words! I can't wait to meet Jeremy when we get to our own homecoming celebration!!

Several of the songs I have added to my playlist were inspired by the lessons I have learned through Amy and Jeremy this past year. Specifically numbers 3-6 are songs that really spoke to me in this situation. I would especially like to dedicate the song, "I still believe", as I first heard this song on Amy's blog and found myself in amazement of her strength. To this day, Sadie calls it "Jeremy's song" when she hears it because it was usually the song that would play when I would pull up the blog. Ironically, the artist that sings the song is also named Jeremy! For that reason, this song will always be "Jeremy's song" in my own heart as I think it truly speaks to the biggest lesson of all that he taught us. Believing! Enjoy your celebration in heaven today, little man! Take heart, we still believe!

"Who am I?"

In putting this blog together, one of the things I have enjoyed the most is collecting songs to include on my playlist at the bottom of this page. Each of the songs I have included has great meaning for me and has taken me through some of the most joyous and toughest times of my life. I will try and include a post on here to give a little background to each of those songs to give you an idea what they mean to me. I chose the song, "Who Am I?" by Casting Crowns to talk about today. Mainly because I am finding myself at a crossroads in my life right now where I am trying to figure out who I am. You would think at the age of 31 I would have that figured out by now! I guess it's just one of those things you have to explore over and over throughout your life as seasons change.

As a wife, I am constantly trying to figure out who I am to this person I married. How does he see me? Am I being the loving, caring, selfless person I hoped I would be to my spouse?

As a mother, I am trying to figure out who I am to my children. Am I the mother I always thought I would be? Am I being the patient, protecting, role model my children need?

As a friend, I am trying to figure out how to BE a friend!! How do I carve out time in my busy life to be the friend I want to be? How do I keep myself from being isolated in my world of runny noses and macaroni and cheese? Am I seeking out the fellowship I need and making an effort to provide that fellowship for others?

As a teacher, I am trying to figure out where I need to teach. Do the doors continue to open up with tutoring or do I need to close those and find a window back into the classroom? Why did I feel the spirit leading me to go back to working full time, only to find my days of tutoring are not yet over? Praise God for more work.....beg Him for clarity of direction!!!

Most importantly as a child of God, I am trying to figure out who I am in Him. Am I seeking Him with all my heart, soul, and mind? What can I possibly give Him that He doesn't already have? How can I possibly be someone He uses?

This is where I come to the song. As I listened to the chorus of this song, I was blown away by the simplicity of the words, yet the profound truth they speak. "Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done. Not because of what I've done, but because of Who You are!" Nothing we can do or be will ever have meaning or purpose without the Lord's hand. We may be small, we may feel sometimes that we can not possibly have an impact, but WE ARE HIS! He reminds us that we belong to Him because of what He has done for us and Who He is. He is the Great I Am, the almighty Father, our Savior, redeemer, and friend.

As you go through your day and find yourselves at a crossroads, wherever it may be, remember that there is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt. No matter where we go, what we do, or who we are, we will always belong to HIM!!! No other identity is needed than that!