The One that matters

I've had several people ask me how I'm doing as a result of my last blog posting so I thought I better provide an update. I also wanted to take the opportunity to explain a little bit about this depression that I deal with.

Before I was ever diagnosed with depression, I characterized it as someone who was sad and cried all the time, found it hard to function, and spent a lot of time sleeping. I was surprised to learn that the face of depression has many different characteristics. While the things I described can be part of depression for some people, it isn't always the case and there is so much more that goes along with it. The best way I have found to explain what I deal with is that there is a little monster who lives in my head. Don't worry, I'm not hearing voices! This little monster is called depression. He fills my mind with negative thoughts, discourages me, makes me feel worth very little, and convinces me that I am not a good wife, mother, or friend. He is not a very nice little guy, by any means!! When I feed that little monster his medicine every day, he gets much quieter! He doesn't go away as the medicine doesn't fix it all. However, he does get easier to manage and deal with. It levels my mood just enough to be able to tell him to back off and leave me alone! However, if that medicine is not working or I am not taking it at all, he goes right back to being the nasty little booger that he is.

After meeting with my doctor on Monday, my suspicion that the generic version of the medicine I am on was to blame, was confirmed. Even though generics are supposed to be the same as the name brand, research has shown that they may not work as well for some people. My doctor said that the best way to counteract this is to simply raise the dosage...fine by me! Have I considered not taking medication? You bet! I've tried this several times in the past as I wondered if I even needed it at all. However, I learned within months that the depression and anxiety return full force, even when everything in my life is going well. It's not a circumstantial depression, it's an inherited condition that has afflicted several members of my extended family in the past. I've dealt with well meaning individuals telling me I simply needed to "trust God" and that he could "heal me" of my depression. I've been told I simply need to find "joy in the Lord" and be grateful for the things He has provided. I understand these individuals mean well and their intentions are honorable, however, I also understand from my experience that depression is a REAL thing that needs treatment just as diabetes needs insulin.

I encourage you if you are going through this or have been through it to hang in there. Seek the treatment you need, talk about it, be honest with yourself, and take one day at a time. If you have never dealt with depression, Praise God!! However, I encourage you to be patient with those in your life that do. Embrace them for who they are and encourage them to get help or continue seeking help. Try not to assume that they are simply not "trusting God". I have entrusted my life to the Lord since I was a small child and continue to grow in my relationship with Him. Actually, this depression has brought me closer to Him, helping me learn to trust Him more!

I wanted to draw your attention to a song on my playlist....don't I always?! It's called Audience of One. I stumbled upon this song a few years ago when I purchased one of those "Wow" praise albums. It applies so well to my life as it reminds me every time I hear it to remember who my audience is. I don't live to please others, I live to please HIM. I don't seek the approval of others, I seek HIS approval. I don't need have every friend in the world to be important, I only need HIM.

I also wanted to add how much I appreciate so many of you reaching out to me in this past week. I seriously wrote this blog as a little journal for myself and really didn't think anyone would be interested in reading it. "Who cares about what I have to say?" I thought. See? That little monster had me convinced...."Nobody cares, Julie. You know nobody is going to read it!" Well, you all proved him, and me, wrong! I learned that when I seek the audience of the Lord, He makes sure to send out His followers to lift me up and encourage me. So thank you for the phone calls and emails to check in on me. It really made a difference and made me feel so much better to know that I have friends that care. Amy, thank you again for following the "nudge" of the spirit and stopping in with the flowers and card. The sweet fragrance of them has filled my living room to the point that it's the first thing I notice when I wake up in the morning, when I return home, and before I go to bed at night. How nice to have that reminder of friendship and caring hearts through the simple sweet smell of a pretty flower. Every time I pass by them and take a sniff, I smile and am reminded of the sweet success the Holy Spirit has had in defeating my little monster!

Don't forget to listen to the song! I'm sure you will love it too! I love to imagine myself seated before the Father saying those very words to Him. In a bible study I did not too long ago, we learned about the tabernacle that was built in exactly the way the Lord commanded it to be designed. The most intimate of places in the tabernacle is the Holy of Holies, where the ark of the covenant resided and the spirit of God was believed to reside. Nobody, not even the high priest, was allowed in this room, except on a few occasions. Even then, the room was filled with smoke as to cloud the view of the Holy One, from the eyes of man. When Jesus died on the cross, the veil that separated man from God in the temple, tore from top to bottom. What a great reminder that because of Jesus' love for us, we are no longer separated from God. It's as if we were given permission to crawl under the curtain, enter the holiest of places, and lay before the Almighty. He is your audience.....marvel and bask in His presence!