Rescue

I've been feeling a little like a ping pong ball lately! I made the decision months ago that I needed to start looking for a full time job and get back into the teaching field. Though this was a difficult choice to make, I felt so guided by the Lord's hand and was so certain this was the direction He wanted me to go. That decision was followed by months of sending out my resume to various job postings in hopes of finding where my career was going to land next. I'm sure you can imagine my frustration when months passed without a single phone call back in regards to my applications. What's going on here? I was told my degree in Elementary and Special Education was HIGHLY marketable...that people would be lining up and fighting to have me teach in their schools. After months of frustration, confusion, and feeling defeated, I started to waiver on my decision. Maybe this was God's way of leading me a different way. Maybe He is trying to reveal to me that I need to continue with my tutoring business, pursue other ways to find new clients. I started calling my client list, trying to get an idea of who was interested. With a list of 12 people "possibly" interested in continuing into the fall, I started to think this was the answer. I guess I needed to change my focus, try and get motivated to persevere with tutoring, and step back on the focus of finding a new job. I started to place my trust in this potential, believing it was the clear answer. One week changed it all. Appointments came up, the typical challenges of running my own business reared their ugly head once again, potential clients started to look a little shaky, and my hope started to fade. What was going on? Why did I feel so strongly that I was following the "voice of truth", yet the road still seemed so foggy?

I took some time on Wednesday to simply breathe. When I get in these states of frustration and confusion, I am not always the most patient or gentle mommy to my children or wife to my husband. I needed to clear my head. Get a grip and snap out of it, as a friend so bluntly pointed out!! I sat in my car and listened to my music, trying to focus on the words to the songs that so often lift me out of these pits. The song that spoke the loudest to me was "Rescue" by Jared Anderson. Here are the lyrics for you and it is on my playlist as well.

You are the source of life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus to come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me

I will follow You

In that moment, my eyes were opened so wide as to why I had not found the answer yet, why I have not found a job yet. My eyes were not in the right place! My heart always desired to follow Him, to know His will. However, my actions did not show this. I had prayed about this so much that I somehow failed to continue praying over it. Do you ever do that? Pray for an answer and then when that answer seems to come, set it aside and forget to continue lifting it up to the Master Designer? I stopped asking for His guidance, stopped praying for clear direction. Therefore, when the waiting got tough, I tried to seek out the answer on my own. I tried to look in this world for an answer and comfort that I was never going to find. I wanted to KNOW the end result, didn't want to wait anymore. Well, that's just too bad, Julie!! He is the source of life, as the song reminds us. This world has nothing for us that doesn't come from His hand. In my hour of confusion and distress, I needed to go to Him. I needed to pray for, and ASK for, Him to rescue me. Not just from my financial stress or my lack of job....but from my own pride. My prideful thinking that "anyone would love to have me work for them". That is not the attitude He desires me to have. Confidence is good, pride is not. I can have the confidence in Him that He will provide the job, without allowing my pride to control my decisions and cause me to lose focus.

So, where am I now? Back to the original place He led me, of course. Searching for jobs! However, this time, as I send out each application, I pray over it, pray for my attitude, and pray for the eyes of my heart to be enlightened to His words. I don't want to just take the first job that comes to me because I am desperate. I want to take the job He sends me! He has the tapestry of my life already woven and it makes a beautiful picture. We just can't see the view He has from above. All we see are the knots and strings that get tangled underneath. To us it may look like a big mess, heading nowhere. Just remember, to Him, it is a masterpiece. We are His masterpiece. He is pleased with us. Trust in the Master Designer to rescue you from whatever knot you are caught in. His hands know how to work their magic and get you out of whatever mess you may be in. This world can't offer us anything close to the promises He brings. I'm captured by your grace, Lord. I will follow You.