All I have to say....

I wanted to add a new posting and found myself at a loss for words. That's when I realized that sometimes the words I want to say are already written somewhere else. As I sat and tried to gather my thoughts, this song was playing on my playlist and just spoke volumes to what my heart was screaming. I'll share it with you for my posting today. Sorry it's been so long since I've written! Life is busy....and I am in need of being emptied. Make sure you listen to the song while you read the words. It's a powerful message.

Empty Me

Chris Sligh

I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright

to see how it gets in the blood

And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride

And found a little is not quite enough

I know how I can stray

And how fast my heart could change

Empty me of the selfishness inside

Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride

And any foolish thing my heart holds to

Lord Empty me of me so I can be

Filled with You

I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies

To know how prodigals can be drawn away

I know how I can stray

and how fast my heart could change

Empty me of the selfishness inside

Every vain ambition

and the poison of my pride

Any foolish thing my heart holds to

Lord empty me of me so I can be

Filled with You

Cause everything is a lesser thing

Compared to you, compared to you

Everything is a lesser thing

Compared to you

So I surrender all

My prayer today is that I will take this holiday season to empty out my life of any foolish thing I'm holding onto. I have desired for so long to get back to the heart for the Lord that I once held so dear. The only way I can do that, I now know, is to get rid of the things in my life that get in the way of me opening my heart up for Him. I need to completely SURRENDER ALL!

Life as I know it

It's been so long since I've posted and so much has changed for me in my life. Some of you may already know that in the end of the summer, we lost our home to foreclosure due to the divorce. Mom, the kids, and I all moved to an apartment in Owings Mills and started a new chapter in our lives. We quickly settled into our humble new home and are very comfortable and content with the space we now have. We are able to find small joys in the things that are no longer our responsibility since we no longer have a house...such as no lawn mowing or shoveling!! Hey, you have to find the sunshine through the rain, right?

Shortly after moving, I started a new job working for Kennedy Krieger as a Special Education Teacher. I have a classroom of 6 students with severe autism and I absolutely love it. Working with such a great team of professionals is the kind of job I have wanted for years. I waited 10 years in the field of education to find this job and finally am settling in. It's a daily challenge, but the kind that I love to have! In addition to loving the job, I love my hours. I work from 7:30-3:30 so I am able to pick my kids up from day care at a decent hour and have every night with them. The evenings are such a treasure for me to now have and I am so grateful for this big change.

Simon has thrilled and amazed us all by being potty trained at the age of 2 and a half....in only one week! He tackled the task like a champ and made my life officially diaper free!!

Spiritually, I have faced some challenges. I long to have that passion and fire that I always had for the Lord....yet it has dwindled some with the challenging year. I am looking for a new church home and desire to get settled into a bible study so that I may have fellowship with other believers. Right now, that is something that is hard for me to find as I transition from my old life to my new life as single mom. Prayers would be greatly appreciated as I'm sure you can tell even my writing has changed some. What is typically my faith lessons or witnessing, has turned into a simple account of how life is for me. I need a match to light my fire again....just haven't quite found it yet. I know in time it will return....however I just need to be patient and trust in Him. Thank you in advance for the prayers....I need as much as I can get to find that passion that once drove my heart.

As I closed out this writing and posted it to the blog, the song "Who am I?" was playing on my page. My four year old came over and started singing along with it with a big grin on her face. It made me realize something. No matter how much time goes by, no matter how much hurt we face, God remains. I remain the same person today that I was a year ago before this whole battle began. It's up to me to have faith as a CHILD, letting go of what is behind and striving for the future with the Savior that has gotten me through it all. As the song reminded me, "Still You hear me when I'm calling, Lord you catch me when I'm falling, and you told me who I am, I AM YOURS" Praise God for the faith of a child to bring me to my knees. Listen to the song! You'll be touched as I was!

A handful of weeds

I'm sitting here holding a handful of weeds. Who knew a bunch of dandelions would bring a smile to my face. My daughter so carefully picked them from the yard, sat and arranged them perfectly into a bunch, and then presented them to me with a big smile on her face. She bounced away with a big grin, so pleased at the gift she had given me. She doesn't know they are weeds. She doesn't have to know. Why would I steal that joy from her? Someday she'll grow up, all too soon, and learn the sad truth of the dandelion and they won't be as precious to her. For now, I think I'll just let her enjoy the innocence of a child's world so that she thinks our yard is full of beautiful flowers.

The best part of that gift from her is how much it made me reflect on my own life. How we accept those weeds is our choice. We can recognize they are there or toss them aside and try to ignore them. Or we can accept them with a smile, knowing that they won't be around forever. Weeds don't live very long in the garden. As soon as they are pulled, they start to wilt. Within days they are a limp mess, lifeless and forgotten. What flourishes is what we care for and tend to the most. The flowers. The good things. As long as we allow the Master Gardener to get rid of the weeds, the garden will grow and blossom the way it is intended to. If we resist having to be shown where our weeds are and try to ignore them, they will eventually take over the garden and make the whole thing an ugly mess.

Right now, my garden is a big ugly mess. My life has turned a different direction and the garden I once had thought was perfect, has been found to have a large patch of weeds. The Master Gardener is working His way back into my life, trying to pull weeds out a batch at a time. It's a painful process, let me tell you. To be handed a bunch of weeds and have to smile through it all and recognize that I allowed those weeds to flourish. I fed them and tried to hide them in the side of the garden while my flowers suffered in the front. When all along what I have been needing to do is accept the help of the Gardener, allowing him to take a handful out at a time and show them to me. See, we have to know what the weeds look like in order to get them out of the garden. The Master Gardener doesn't always weed for us. He relies on us to help.

Recently I purchased a book called "Plan B". It's a book about accepting God's will for your life even when it doesn't seem to fall in line with what you had expected. Thanks again to fellow blogger, Amy, for recommending this book. It's the gateway to helping me return to a life of promise and understanding God's path for me. As well as accepting God's path for me. Before I had a chance to read any today, I found myself once again in a puddle of tears. I missed my family. Don't get me wrong, my children are still here and are family to me. What I missed was the family unit that we made up when there were four of us. The teamwork of caring for children together. The ability to tackle issues together and not grow so exhausted over little things like getting the kids dressed and ready for the day. As I sat in my tears, Sadie approached me and put her arms around my neck. "I'm so sorry you're sad mommy. It will be ok," she kept saying. I hated not having it all pulled together and keeping it together for the kids' sake. But sometimes your children are going to see the real side of you. The hurting side. The side that realizes your dreams of having a picture perfect family are shattered and broken. It didn't take me long, though, to realize these are just the moments that I have to deal with as part of the life I have been given. The handful of weeds will occasionally be pulled from my garden and placed in my hands to deal with. However, over time, the more weeds you pull, the more room there is for the flowers to grow and flourish.

I'm holding out hope for the flowers to bloom. I know they will come along at some point. Some of them are already there, I just have to look for them to peek through as they lean toward the sun. My song for the day is "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. It is toward the bottom of my playlist. It's a beautiful reminder that sometimes we still need to step into the rain and praise Him, even in the midst of the storms.

I Loved You Then

6 years ago today, I stood at an alter and took my wedding vows. This week, our divorce will be finalized....not quite how I imagined we'd be spending our anniversary week. Life throws us curve balls sometimes. We can't see into the future to know how things are going to turn out or where we are going to be, even if we are going to be here. Change is inevitable. There is nothing we can do to stop it, no reason to fight it. We must embrace it, roll with the punches, and go with the flow. You've heard all those sayings and catch phrases but one thing is for sure, changes like this one are never easy. When heartbreak and hurting are part of the equation we resist that change like nothing else. Fighting with all the strength we have to remain in the place we know as our comfort zone. However, as I've learned this past year, sometimes changes like this one are for the best. Am I happy? Yes, I am. Have I adapted to our new life? Yes, I have. Am I sad about the situation. Of course I am as my family has been hurt as a result. Would I change things if I could go back? No, I wouldn't. Everything happens for a reason and God has his hand and purpose wrapped up in all of it. It may take some time to understand why things like this happen, but I know in time it will all come clear to me.

In the meantime, I've moved on. I'm working full time, raising my two beautiful precious children who I wouldn't trade for the world, and learning who I am all over again. God has blessed me with a new man in my life who cheers for me on the sidelines and encourages me through all the ups and downs of every day life. He has the peaceful and patient attitude that I strive for, the gentle and humble spirit that I crave, and a heart that grows for God more and more every day. I feel as if I've been given a second chance at love so that I can take it slow and appreciate the small details of every day with him.

My song for today's post is in reflection of the one thing that NEVER changes....God's love for us. He loved me 6 years ago as I took my vows, he loves me now as I finalize my divorce, and he will love me tomorrow as I uncover the new promises he has for me. His love never fades. The song is called "I Loved You Then" by 33 miles and is #37 on my playlist. Please make sure you take the time to listen to it and share with your loved ones. It will surely bless your heart today.

Empty Me

It's been so long since I've posted that I'm not quite sure how to write anymore!! What's been going on in my life? Well, we're trying to get used to a new life, the kids and I. It's been an adjustment, that's putting it mildly. Though, things are finally starting to look brighter. A few weeks ago, a man entered into my life and did a wonderful thing for me. Aside from having a lot in common and enjoying spending time together, we have been going to church together. To some, this may seem like a minor thing. Especially those that know me well....as church has always been an important part of my life and a regular part of my routine. Not so much in these past 8 months. I've strayed along my journey and have pushed away from God quite a bit. So much that I didn't even have the desire to attend church as I had been. When this wonderful man came into my life, he brought with him the Holy Spirit to demand, not just urge, me back to church. It was made so clear to me that this was not an option anymore. I was no longer allowed to have my little pity party or feel sorry for my life circumstances. I was to get up, get my butt back to church, and praise God even through my difficult circumstances. How else could I expect to hear Him when He calls me if my ears aren't open to listen? In 3 weeks of going to services at this church, I have felt more of the Spirit healing me than ever before. I am so grateful to Dave for all he does for me, but most importantly for turning my eyes back to the One who is worthy of my praise.

I have added a new song to the end of my playlist called "Empty Me". This song is a new favorite of mine and defines so well what I needed to go through in order to return to find the heart for the Lord that I used to have. I needed to get rid of that selfishness and pride, empty myself of anything I was holding onto that was not of Him, and be filled with Him. Please make sure you listen to it as it is such a powerful song! I think we all need to be reminded every now and then to be emptied of all that hinders us from being filled by the Spirit.

More than Enough!!

Stuck inside on this snowy day I decided to update my blog with the latest news in my life. After 5 years of running my own business, struggling to make ends meet, and living hand to mouth, I am officially employed full time!!!! Let me back up a little bit and share my fun story with you.

In the end of September, I was blessed to be offered a part time position with Abilities Network, the non-profit organization I worked for before having my children. Over the past few months I have enjoyed immensely getting back into the work force, working with children with autism and their families. I felt like I had finally arrived at my niche once again and was serving the role that God has for me in my career. He has blessed me with an ability to understand Autism and I want to use those skills as best I can as I know that field is one that is in need of individuals who can provide support. The only draw back to the position was that it was part time, not providing the income that I was needing to keep afloat. I stuck with it, hoping that over time my hours may increase and God would provide an opportunity for me to continue that job while still bringing in the funds I need.

After one particularly slow week at work, I started to contemplate looking for a different job, needing that income to improve. I battled the decision as I was finally feeling settled with my families and enjoyed my job so much. Something in me told me to call my director and make her aware of the situation. Praise God for that decision! She was so gracious and understanding of my situation and even offered to see what she could find within the organization to help fill that void for me. How valued I felt as an employee that my director would go to bat for me and support me in whatever way she could so that I could remain on staff with the organization. She told me it would take some time so all I needed to do was wait. Wait and pray. A little shy of a month later, I got the phone call from her asking me, "Are you still interested in full time employment with Abilities Network?" My heart jumped!!! I could not believe my ears! I was set up for an interview the following day and within an hour of the interview they had already made their decision! I am now a full time, salaried employee, part time for the Autism Program and part time for Project ACT (the program I previously worked for).

The best part of the whole thing was when I learned of the salary amount. A few months back, my mom and I sat down and figured out what kind of salary I would need to be making in order to make ends meet. As I applied for jobs I focused on the decided amount and didn't count on anything more, I actually figured it may be less. However, the salary amount that I will be paid for this job is WAY above and beyond what I had anticipated. See, for 5 years I have learned to live on the manna that God provides. Exactly what I have needed, no more, no less. I have learned to pace myself with my money, live frugally, and try to be grateful for everything He provides. He ALWAYS gave us EXACTLY what we needed. I can now look at where He has brought me to and praise Him for helping me grow in my attitude towards finances. I have learned to live within my means, with few or sometimes no credit cards, and be grateful for having our needs met. As my reward for that, He has brought me to a place of abundance. The feast is plentiful, yet, with the new attitude and lifestyle I have acquired, every bit of it will be enjoyed and appreciated. Not one crumb will go unnoticed.

It's been a long time coming, folks! I've been in this place of financial struggle for so many years that I'm still a bit shell shocked at the prospect of having more than what I need. Now I can sit back, appreciate the 5 years of growth, time with my children, and enjoy the new career path that is in front of me. I have no regrets, no wishing that things had been any different, because now I can finally see the big picture. It was all for His glory....it always is.

Today I encourage you to listen to the song "Enough" on my playlist. It tells us that when it comes down to it, God is all we need. He, Himself, is more than enough for every thirst and every need. If we recognize that, everything else will fall into place!

Lead Me To the Cross

Well, here I am. Trying to get back on my feet with this blog. I used to be so good at posting every week. I guess you all needed less to read!! Can you keep up with these postings a little easier?

I'm in a growing place, raw and ready. I feel like the rubble has been stripped away, the dead limbs destroyed, leaving only roots that are ready for growth. It's not an easy place to be, that's for sure. However, I know it could be much worse and it's just part of what I have to go through to get back into the light of the Son. After all, I am the one who allowed myself to get to such a place of sinfulness and distance from God. Day by day, step by step, I'm drawing closer to the Almighty, to the foot of His throne. I came upon this song when I was expanding my playlist and trying to work up some inspiration of what to write about today. It is such a beautiful song that I am simply going to leave my posting at that today. Let you listen to the song and ponder the words. My favorite line is "where Your love poured out". It makes me imagine being at the foot of the cross, being blanketed by His love and forgiveness. Praying you will feel His love blanketing you as well!

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemption's hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

Leave the Scar

Scars. We all have them. They serve a purpose. A good purpose. I looked up the definition of scar and I found this - "scarring is a natural part of the healing process." Simple yet so very true and it applies to our physical lives as well as our spiritual lives. I'll give you some examples of my scars and what they mean to me. I have a small scar on the index finger of my right hand. It's where the dog bit me when I tried to pick up a dish that he wasn't done eating from. The scar serves as a reminder....don't put your hand near a dog's mouth when food is involved!! I have a two inch scar on my right foot where I had a bunion removed. This scar reminds me that I no longer have to struggle to find shoes that fit right. It also reminds me of my grandmother who gave me the awful bunion to begin with! Thanks grandma!! I have an even larger scar on my belly, right at a bikini line - if I could wear a bikini that is!! This scar reminds me of the two c-sections I had to deliver my beautiful children and the challenging pregnancies that God brought me through.

Each of these scars has a memory, lessons, and reminders of the wound that once was there. However, as time moved on, the pain of the wound subsided, the tissues began to heal and strengthen, and all that was left was a mark. I don't mind the mark. It reminds me of things I've been through. Each scar helps me see that wounds do heal with patience and time. Each scar makes me who I am. It is a way in which I could be identified if ever I was lost some day. My scars make me unique. Now let's talk a little about emotional scars.

This past Sunday I went to church. That may seem like an uneventful thing for many of you who attend church every Sunday, as I used to do. For me, it was monumental. See, I hadn't stepped foot in a church since the day Ray and I separated. I don't think I realized just how much I had pushed away from my God. Until I walked in those doors. The pain hit me like a heavy brick wall. The tears welled up. The memories flooded back of coming to church as a family on Sunday mornings. I sat down and attempted to will myself to remain calm and collected in this place that used to be like a second home for me. I could feel Satan weighing down on me, telling me things like, "You don't belong here anymore" and "look at those happy couples. You don't have anything close to that. You never did." I finally could take it no longer and I escaped to the lobby where I sat down to read a book and wait for the friend that I had rode with to church. It was useless. The tears were like a fountain overflowing. Sometimes I get that way. Once they start, they just don't want to stop. I put my book away and walked toward the nursery knowing that a friend of mine often worked there during the 11 Am service. I didn't find her, but the woman who works with her, pulled me aside and began to simply listen. Amazingly I didn't even ask her to! She just wanted to. She knew I was hurting. She knew I needed someone to understand. To feel the pain. To know why I couldn't bring myself to even sit in church just yet. I am grateful for her. Though I didn't know her well, God placed her there for a reason. She took me to the prayer room where two more women sat, praying together. These women are part of what is called a "Life Recovery Group". They knew I was hurting, because they've been hurt too. They knew I was struggling and angry, they've felt those things too. They knew most of all I needed recovery and healing. So I agreed to attend the Friday night groups, a counseling session of sorts. Don't get me wrong, I didn't agree to all this willingly! I was fighting it tooth and nail, as stubborn as I am. Sometimes when we are in pain we just want to give up and stay where we are. Yet God asks us to fight. He calls us to fight. Just like after my c-section I had to get up and move as soon as possible to promote healing. I need to get up and move, promote the healing of my soul, the healing of my family.

Sigh.......I apologize that this is a lengthy post. A lot of lessons came to me today as I mopped my floors! LOL I had to share the progress God is making with my heart and soul. Slow and steady wins the race. I'm not on a sprint, I'm in a marathon. I am taking it one day at a time, one step at a time, and am making effort to healing. I just pray that when all is said and done, the scar that is left will remind me of the merciful God that got me through it all!!! Here is a song to share that very thing. I didn't find it on playlist.com but you can find it on youtube I'm sure.


Heal the Wound - Point of Grace

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

The Year of the Battle

As I sat last night and watched the ball drop, my mind thought back over the past year and all that it entailed. The only word that kept coming to mind to sum it all up was "Battle". This year has been a battle on so many fronts for me. I've fought hard, been battered and bruised, and am worn out from all the arrows that have been thrown my way. Quite frankly I am relieved to have the year over and done with. My finances hit their all time low, my depression plummeted to the lowest depths it has ever been, and the next thing I knew, my marriage was ending. I have felt at times as if Satan came along and ripped the rug out from under me, sending my world spiraling out of control. I think of the times that I used to look at my life and smile at how well things were going. However, always, always waiting for the 'other shoe to drop' as it so often has done in my life. Well 2009 was a big shoe and it has dropped.

In response, all I have to say is, Satan has not won. This battle may rage on in my heart and soul as I still fight the powers of evil that try to bring me down every day. However, they will never win. I will always and forever hold on to the hand of my sweet Savior. I know He is there and He is guiding me to higher ground as we speak. I long for that ground. To feel the breeze in my hair once again. To feel the sunlight hit my face as it warms me up and brings me comfort and rest. The days of living my life footloose and fancy free are gone for now and have been replaced with challenges and strife. My heart knows that He longs to place my feet on solid ground and that He is getting me there one step and one day at a time. I am confident that 2010 will bring me closer to that goal. Each step, each day, I feel myself drawing closer to where I need to be and further from where the evil one taunts me and tries to bring me down.

In the meantime, a dear friend has reminded me that it's ok for me to hurt, cry, get angry, feel pain, and grieve the loss of the life I once had. These are all feelings and emotions that God feels with me and He understands why I am struggling right now. No matter what, I am His child and He longs to hold me. Growing up I used to listen to the following song quite often as my parents would play it in the car. I never quite understood the lyrics back then to the extent that I do now. I think He was hiding His words in my heart so that I might remember that He is always there for His children. May the words bless you and bring you comfort as they have for me. Be patient with me, I'm still healing. In time, my friends, in time. I will soon return to the Julie you know and love. For now, I'm facing battles and just need to head on home to heal. This song is on my playlist for you to listen to.

The Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child

God bless you and be with you into the coming year.  I pray we all feel His loving arms around us in every
 battle we may face.