Moving on

I apologize that it has been awhile since I've posted....I traveled out of town last weekend and it has taken me quite a while to get back into the swing of things!! Life is so different with two kids! Especially when Ray didn't travel with me but the kids did! Thankfully my mom was able to go with me and watched them for me one evening so I could go out with some friends.

My trip to Syracuse this weekend brought back a variety of emotions that I haven't felt in a long time. Most likely due to my recent challenge with depression and still trying to get my medication balanced. Talk to those hormones of mine....they seem to have thrown me for a loop and thrown things off balance since I stopped nursing Simon. Fortunately, I have an appointment with my doctor again on Monday, so no worries. That will be taken care of very soon!

In spending some time thinking this weekend, it occurred to me that this summer marks the 10th year that I have been living in Baltimore. It amazed me how much things have changed in those 10 years. However, it also got me thinking back to the day I left Syracuse and headed down to Baltimore to be on my own. So much was going through my mind on that 6 hour drive.....excitement, anxiousness, fears, uncertainty....I couldn't predict what was ahead for me. The one thing I could do, was look at what was behind and try to learn from it to the best of my ability. At the time, Rascal Flatts had just come out with one of their first albums and I was listening to it on my tape player in what was now my very own car...the first I had ever purchased. Yes....I did say a tape player. Those were still a possible feature in a car 10 years ago. The song that came on just after I filled my tank with gas and hopped on the road, blew me away with how much it described exactly where I was, that day, that moment, that second in time. I'm sure you have heard it before, but here are the lyrics so I can help you understand a little more about why it was so strong for me....a little bit about where I came from. It's also on my playlist at the bottom of this page..please take a listen.

Moving On
Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

We all have those ghosts and demons. The things that have been part of shaping who we are but have also caused us some significant pain and challenge in life. Part of me felt like leaving Syracuse was just my way of running from my problems, trying to get away from the memories that haunted me and made me so depressed. What I realized in that moment was that I was doing just the opposite. I wasn't running away from something, I was running FOR something. I had spent years praying over the heartache and pains that plagued me, due to various childhood challenges. I lived in this place all of my life, went to college there, knew the faces surrounding me so well. But did those faces truly know the real me? Did I ever really give myself a chance to be the Julie that I really wanted to be? Or was I simply living life day to day, trying to please these people and fit in the mold they had carved for me. Was I making my own mold, or being what I thought others believed I should be? Don't get me wrong, I have so much love for the people who grew with me through the years and will always in a way be my family. However, I know that I also placed an expectation on myself to be who they "thought" I was....or at least who I thought they expected me to be. If I was going to change, turn my life around, be the person God had designed me to be, I needed to move. Move out, move on, move forward. It was one of the scariest things I have ever done, but one of the best choices I have ever made. Packing my bags, getting a job, living alone, being months in "the desert" without any friends, relying on God for my all! I will never forget one day after work, falling on my knees, wanting so badly to cry out to Him, "Lord remove me from this place. Take me back home." However, the words that came from my mouth must have been the provision of the Holy Spirit as all I could say was, "Lord do not remove this thorn from my flesh, for it is there for a reason!" I guess in my heart of hearts I knew, the only way to learn to be at peace with me, accept myself, and learn to see myself through God's eyes, was to stay in this place He had sent me. By the way, that forgiveness he talks about in the song......I found it. Forgiveness for those who have hurt me, forgiveness for myself, and accepting the forgiveness the Savior had been offering me for years for all the bad choices I had made and would still make in the future. I had to lose it all....to gain it all.

That, my friends, is what it means to pick up your cross and follow Him. Let it all go, whatever holds you back from seeking His face and following His will for your life. He doesn't ask you to give up all you love, just to let go of what is holding you back. As scary as it may seem, I promise you that someday you will be able to look back....maybe 10 years later as I am doing, and say "Thank you", to the One who brings your feet to higher ground.

"One thing I do....forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13