The Gift You Can Give

Well, we've almost made it through. Another few weeks and the year that has been a living nightmare in my life will be over. I look forward to 2009 ending and the beginning of 2010.....a fresh start, a new beginning, even a new life. Though, I am fully aware that the pains of 2009 will most likely follow me to the new year, I am hoping and praying to be made new. In more ways than one, I need it, my family needs it.

The last several months have had some sufficient ups and downs as I begin to navigate this life as a single working mom. As the permanence of divorce looms on the horizon, I am relieved, yet still saddened by this ending. Regardless, this is how things must be, both Ray and I realize. Did we want this for our lives? Of course not! Did we see this coming? No way! Nobody ever does. It is just one of the many trials that will come our way in this life that we have to endure.

In addition to navigating the roads of life, I have been faced with a personal spiritual battle as well. Without getting into too much detail, I can say that my heart has been grieved by the sinfulness that has crept into my life in large ways. No matter what the excuse may be, "but Julie, you are going through a rough time. God understands."....or "He's a forgiving God. He knows your heart is pure."......sin is sin. There is nothing excusing it, allowing it, or minimizing it in my heart. I know the truth and I need to follow the truth. I have felt so much in the past months like Satan had me balanced on a thin wire that I am barely hanging on to. He has thrown every challenge in the book as if he wants me to jump through hoops while so tediously balanced on this narrow ground. I know in my mind that my loving and faithful God will see me through to the bitter end of this trial. However, right now, my heart is at battle. It is being tested beyond what I ever could have imagined and I only can handle one single day at a time.

So, what do I need? How can you help.....as so many have asked me. The gift you can give me this Christmas is the gift of grace, understanding, compassion, and most importantly prayer. As my heart slowly feels itself coming back to life, I ask that you pray for this continued healing. Pray for my faithfulness to the Holy One. Pray for my diligence in seeking His face. Pray for my example as a mother. Pray for my sin, that it will be cast as far as the East is from the West to be remembered no more. Especially by myself, as we all know the heavy burden that guilt can bring. I thank you in advance for the gift of your friendship, your dedication in reading of my daily struggles and blessings, and the prayers you will offer on my behalf.

On a side note, I would like to apologize for not sending out my annual Christmas letter this year. I am sure you can understand that I was at a loss as to how I would accomplish such a task with the changes in our family. I try to keep those things lighthearted and positive and I struggled to do so. Next year I promise you a letter that brings twice as much joy and celebration for the new life that God is granting me in 2010!

I pray you joy and happiness as you celebrate the birth of our Savior. God bless you all! Here is a song for you to reflect on that touches my heart so much in this time. It is on my playlist for you to listen to as well. Merry Christmas to you all!!

"East To West"

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other